I want to leave
2005-11-08, 2:23 p.m.

Today we had the meeting over our contracts. My observation time got lowered but I can't "self select" snacks and stuff till next week due to hiding food.
I got pretty mad during the session because I felt like I was just being critized instead of encouraged. I noticed the staff gave the rest of the patients posistive feedback but when it came to me I didn't get anything like that and I got offended and upset and wanted to hurt myself.
Then during process group this afternoon we got in a bit of a fight. ONe of the patients wanted to leave and was all upset. That spiraled into conflict amongst us. Then someone brought up that Teri and I never speak. I got offended and upset by the things they were saying to me so I pitched in my feelings and really laid it out there.
After a few minutes of that, one of the other patients who is like...struggling with mpd...got up, grabbed a bag of scissors, and walked outside. The therapist then ran after her with a bunch of the other staff. Me and this other chick felt pretty responsible since we were heating things up. The other girl who was heating things up as well just said "screw it it's not you guys, it's her."
At the moment, I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong. I just got in trouble for not observing my observation time. I thought I was off obs, but apparently I wasn't. They threatened to replace me (give me ensure) next time. I honestly thought I was off obs..and some other staff go by the time we started eating and some go by the time we finish so I got mixed messages. It made me pretty pissed since I feel like I'm being scolded for things all the time. It makes me concerned I'll never et privelages and I'm not even trying to do anything wrong and it makes me mad bcause I feel like I'm a little kid being scolded...it feels very inprisoning. I don't care if I am free to leave anytime because that's not really an option. Everything else feels very restricted and aggravating since I don't like being controlled.
I wish I could go on a walk right now. Or eat.