crazy days
2005-11-10, 11:01 p.m.

These past few days have been crazy. The girl with MPD that disassociated had to go to the hospital since she picked up a bag of scissors and was going to hurt herself. She stayed overnight and came back yesterday afternoon. She was a mess. Eating dinner so slow and not talking to us...then I heard her break down crying after dinner. The same day she, Lanora, went to the hospital, another patient named Tala discharged herself. She said she felt threatened by Lanora but she also said shortly before that that she was looking for any reason to leave.
It was hard because when the mood of the group is low and the commitment level gets lower too, I feel discouraged and not like trying. Things were a bit better today. Lanora was more herself and she saw her husband which cheered her up.
Today I had a lot of groups and individual therapy. Dinner was hard because it had a corn muffin with this soup and I was really uncomfortable with the corn muffin. I was ready to get replaced with ensure but there is this really cool staff guy here. He pulled me aside last night and said if I ever need help at dinner, and I feel like I just can't eat something, then just don't. He said we deserve a break once in awhile. So I ate my soup and kind of picked apart the corn muffin. Greg, the cool staff member, called me into the kitchen and just took my plate and dumped the muffin down the sink. He even pulled me aside so the other staff would think we talked about it. He said I can't make a habit out of it but we all deserve a break sometimes. I was really thankful because there was no way I could eat the corn muffin and I was sure I'd have to be replaced. The past few days I've been eating my food since I don't want to get caught doing anything. I did purge my dinner last night and I did hide part of my lunch today but I've been better.
This weekend my sister, brother, and dad are visiting. I'm a little uncomfortable with my brother knowing since I just don't like people knowing if not necessary. It's weird since I'm not sure how much he knows and how he'll react.
I made a few commitments to my therapist here. One is to challenge myself not to retreat to my room and sleep during the day. Another is to test my idea that what I'll say is stupid in group settings. He wants me to purposely say something stupid to see what kind of reaction I get..kind of an expierement. He also had me make a list of goals for after treatment and a list of how I percieve the world and myself. Today he and I had a good session. We discussed guilt and how he thinks I shouldn't feel guilty for making the decision to purge or hie food but rather its rational to feel guilty about the action. I kind of challenged that since I feel so reponsible and that I can feel guilty for a decision that results in something bad. We had a lot of discussions on how my head works and how he thinks is reality.
Tomorow we have poetry group, process group, and "core issues group". Today we had process group, core issues group, and yoga. I didn't do yoga because yoga reminds me of my mom.
Also this weekend, my therapist here wants to meet with my sister and possibly brother too. So that'll probably happen. He wants to meet with my dad too but he thinks that needs a whole separate time since it has it's own issues.
I still don't know how long my insurance is going to cover. Part of me hopes it runs out soon so I can go home and binge and purge and another part of me is scared I'll go home and binge and purge. The urge to binge and purge is hitting hard these past few days.
Time for lights out.