empty inside
2005-11-13, 11:37 a.m.

Today the girl with MPD is leaving. She is going home then to another treatment center for trauma. Yesterday my dad and brother came. It was an okay visit except for the fact my dad kept going on about his hollistic doctor and how I should go see him when I get out.
I asked my dad about moving out when I leave here..and taking out a loan. He didn't seem too big on it but my therapist here said he would talk to my dad about it like a strong recommendation from the staff.
My sister and some of her friends I know from childhood are coming today. I asked for a pass but since I didn't ask in treatment planning I didn't get it. That frustrated me. My therapist here wants to discuss it with the whole staff before he gives it to me since it's my first pass. Tomorrow is treatment planning so I'm going to ask for a pass, to lower my obs, and for walks on my own.
I am still purging occasionally. Nearly daily. I didn't on Friday because that cool staff guy didn't make me eat all my dinner. Yesterday we had this veggie/cheese lasagna and that pasta was a major binge food..so it was hard to eat it in moderation. I purged it. I also purged lunch because it had bread in it and I fear bread. Two days ago we had PIZZA for lunch. I nearly shit myself. And I purged it.
I'm being challenged from my therapist here to give suggestions for treatment planning that will help keep me accountable and just generally help me more. Things like adding to my nursing plan that I CAN'T sleep during the day..not just trying to ask me to come out of my room. My other ideas were having someone watch me closely after meals but I'm scared to give that back door away. I'm trying to consider some things I know that would help but I am afraid to give up control.Any ideas and other suggestions of how the staff can help push me?
I'm shopping like mad and spending money like I was buying binge food. It fills the hole..sort of.
Yesterday during one of the groups we talked about what would be left if our eating disorder wasn't there. I said that's my problem..I don't know who I am. I don't know what I like and what my interests are. There would be nothing left after my eating disorder and I'd feel so empty inside. I'll lose all purpose.
Today we have no groups which is nice. I'm rather bored, though.