2005-11-14, 8:33 a.m.

I know I need to fess up that I'm purging but I'm scared. I told my therapist here that I am still looking for ways out. I think he thought more in regard to hiding food but then I told him I'm not hiding food anymore because I am afraid of being caught but I'm doing other things so I have a way out.
I don't think anyone knows I'm purging or I'd be confronted.
I didn't write on my contract that I want to be watched after meals or even made sure I don't sleep during the day. I just asked to be pushed and admitted to struggling with commitment, self-image, and processing things.
This past weekend I'm really struggling with the idea of recovery. I feel on the fence about it. I keep teetering from knowing I have to do this to not wanting it at all. Right now I just want to go home and binge and purge and forget I was ever here.
I just am freaking out about the weight gain and the idea of moderation. I know I have an unhealthy relationship with food since I'm so obsessed with it but that's the's an obsession. I want it all.
I need to find a reason to recover for myself. I feel like the only reason I'm going through this now is because so many people know and are counting on me to get all better after my stay here and then everything will be normal...I'll be able to go to school and get a job and eat like a human. But I've already wasted so much of my stay here by not trying. I just have the worse trouble expressing my needs and issues.
Today is a busy day. We got weighed this morning at 6:30 (I tried to peak at the number but it was upside down so I'm not sure). Next we have guided imagery, then process group, then health ed., then "Begin it now". We basically have groups till 4 which I'm not looking foward to. Today I want to go back to bed and be numb. I didn't sleep well last night because I was contemplating all night what the hell I'm doing here.
I wish I could get another chance to rewind time and do this right at st. joseph's. Or do this right the first time Julio and I started talking about it. My carelessness is frustrating.