2005-11-15, 8:53 a.m.
Yesterday...sucked.
I purged one of my snacks, lunch, and dinner.
And I told on myself. I only did it, though, because I was stuck between two evils. The dietician pulled my aside and told me I lost weight this week and they're adding 200 calories. I panicked because I'm having trouble with the calories as is, and the only reason I probably lost is because I've been purging.
Greg, the nice staff, said I came back as a different person when I saw the RD. I was defiantly upset. I talked to him about it, though. I fessed up to purging and the calorie increase. He said I should let him tell someone so they can give me another week on my calories as is and see what happens with my weight. So I said he could.
Meanwhile my sister arrives to meet with Dr. Kim (therapist here) and I. The session went okay. It was hard and I could tell my sister was really nervous by her excessive talking. Dr. Kim asked things like what it was like growing up, what i was like as a kid, about my brother, and how she thinks our relationship is. The hardest things to hear were how my sister felt guilty for not being there for me and how she thought if she were, things might be different. It was also weird and hard to hear how different I was as a child. She said I was happy, outgoing, and very social. She said that changed after I moved in second grade. I don't remember changing but I also don't remember much of the move. It was interesting to hear her own stories of my mom because I just like to know more things. Dr. Kim asked how much my brother, sister, and I have come together and collectively talked about our experience at home and my sister said hardly ever. It made me sad. It made me sad that my sister felt like she needed to be there for me and it was sad that I had no one in my family. It was sad to take a step back and look at each individual member of my family. My brother is fucked up, I'm fucked up, and my sister confessed to trying to please people all her life in order to stay out of the house.
It made my feelings towards my dad more intense. And I realized that my dad has put some guilt on me in regards to leaving the house. Because since I've been here he always tells me he misses me, wishes I was home, and stuff like "don't leave me with IT". I want to move out so bad but now I feel guilty for being the last one of my siblings to leave my dad with my mom. I know he dug his own grave, but I still feel this need to be a crutch for him. My sister even said my dad is probably afraid to let me move out because I'm a buffer between him and my mom. And that makes me angry.
After my session with Dr. Kim I asked Greg if he told about the purging and what happened. He said he asked someone first and they agreed with him that it's reasonable to wait a week on the lower calories. Then he said he felt good about asking "him" (He wouldn't name names) but "him" said they'd have to think about it and that the increase was NOT because of my weight(so was I lied to? what the heck.) Greg said his feeling was the increase would stay. He told me he is torn between both decisions. He wants to think that the increase is what's best for me and encouraged me to think the same but he says he also wants to think his approach was more correct. He said there isn't a right or a wrong, just different options. He was very understanding about it all. He told me just don't accept the portion instead of purging it. He encouraged me to pull him aside after a meal. To say "i fucking hate this. i'm going to go purge" He just wants me to be honest. I asked if because of my honesty will I get privileges taken away and he said they said they'll "reward" me for my honesty by not taking away privileges, but they won't "reward" me with the food.
This morning is "feedback group" which is basically a few of the staff meeting with us patients about our contracts. So this should be interesting to see what is in result of fessing up to the purging. I was hoping for individual walks, lower observation time, and to be able to prepare one of my snacks. We'll see now. That's at 9:15...25 min.