2005-11-16, 9:04 a.m.

The contract meeting was awful. It totally pissed me off.
My obs are staying the same. I can't get walks. I am able to self-select my morning snack. And my calories are going to be upped still. I was told to talk to my therapist about my obs and walks. I guess were going to talk about it before any changes are made. I was really mad because this other girl got walks and everyone got there obs lowered but me. I felt like it was bullshit that they weren't allowing me walks just because I won't do the yoga. I participate in everything else but that was there reasoning. I felt lied to because it didn't seem like a good reason and they were lying about the calories. My treatment thing I signed said my weight stayed the same but I was told it dropped...that's why the calories got upped. I asked the dietician why if my weight is the same and she said there was a small drop...less than a lb. I told her that's stupid because that weight could be anything...water..whatever.
In result, and being pissed, I purged breakfast, one of my snacks, lunch, and dinner. I tried to process about dinner with Greg and another staff I liked. I really tried to sit with dinner. Greg didn't make me finish part of it that made me uncomfortable...he said it's better then me purging. But when we went to Rite Aid about 45 min later I hunted down a bathroom and purged in this disgusting stall. It really made me feel low I've sunk to. Greg and I talked last night and he was helpful. He said encouraging things about deciding not to purge today and how this is a safe place to try something different. My way didn't just give this a shot.
I thought a lot about it last night and this morning. I didn't sleep well. I still purged breakfast but I wish I didn't now. I just need to do this. I know that. I had an awful dream last night that it was my last day of treatment here and someone was handing me hamburgers and I was trying not to binge on them because I just got out and wanted to apply what I learned. Then in my dream I realized I didn't learn anything and wasted my time here. I realized, in my dream, that I needed to go back because the only day I wanted to try was the day I got out.
Greg isn't going to be here till Monday and that makes me sad. I need to open up to other staff members.
I'm really anxious and worried about myself and this all. I'm having trouble eating and keeping it down when I feel so big already. I swore I gained weight these past couple weeks but I guess my weight is pretty stable. It's kind of a wake up call because I really see myself fatter regardless of the facts.
Today we have pilates, "begin it now", food and body group, and art therapy. Long day. Were not done with groups till 4:30. I hope we get to go on a walk today. We haven't all week and I need the exercise.
I honestly don't know what to do. I think about dying because that'd be easier then taking this head on and living in my old ways. I just want to give up on life completely. I was honest in groups yesterday talking about how I hate myself and don't care if my body gives out. I said I don't feel like I have a reason to live and pursue recovery. All I got in response is "you're depressed". No shit.
Yesterday we went to clay bisque and I got my first mug back, finished a square plate, and started a bowl. Next on my agenda is your mug.
I miss my therapist and everyone at that office. Every morning I wake up here I forget where I am. This morning after that dream I thought I was home and was thinking to myself " I could have an early morning binge/purge while no one is home". But then I realized I'm here with a locked kitchen. I feel so torn between two courses of action. It's so hard to think about and realize if I don't do something soon, it'll be too late.