2005-11-18, 8:01 p.m.
Today has been such a long day.
It started with the disaster yesterday of being told if I'm caught purging again they'll ask me to leave. Then my therapist here said they wouldn't send me home, they'd get me hospitalized.
Today I woke up depressed. I purged breakfast and tried to purge snack but one of the staff literally walked in on me. It was humilating. At lunch, I couldn't get to the bathroom without being watched. I purged in a cup in my bedroom then went to rinse it in the sink when the sink got clogged. I was freaking out, thinking I was totally caught. I used the plunger to unclog the sink and it seemed to make it worse...everything came back up. Finally I got it all drained and bolted out of the bathroom. Later I was confronted...being accused of purging in the sink. The staff said "go clean the sink. Nobody is going to want to use it like that. go look at it." I denied it and tried to say the sink was just clogged and that's the stuff that came back up but she didn't believe me. They called the owner of this house, head of program, and she talked to me. Asking me what was up and stuff. I just told her I don't want to be here anymore and I don't care what happens to me anymore. I tried to call my dad at work to have him come pick me up but he didn't answer the phone. I layed in my room for a couple hours, trying to call my dad and trying to sleep. At snack time, I refused half of it because if I couldn't purge it, I didn't want it. They tried to push ensure on me and I refused. Because I refused, I was told I was too undernourished to go to Target like we planned. That made me even more pissed and ready to go. Earlier that day, I snapped at the therapist here because she told me it was time for group. I told her I'm not going because I was trying to call my dad at that time. She said "If you're here, you have to go to group." I said "You can't force me." and then, "make me." I walked angerily passed her to my room.
Soon after that incident, the therapist I see here was called. Then we had a phone conference. The head of the program wanted me to stay to see him tomorrow but I was reluctant. My therapist told me they'll be able to commit whether I leave or whether I'm asked to leave. He asked what I was running to by going home and I couldn't think of anything good.
This evening before dinner, the head of the program showed up to talk to me. We talked about what was going on again and she was really nice. She didn't really tell me anything I haven't heard but it made me feel a little better. She told me how Greg talks about me...about how I'm intuitive and bright and insightful. That I act like this quiet little mouse but I actually have really great things to say. That made me happy to hear mostly because it came from Greg, someone I respect. Then the therapist that I blew off this morning came into my room while I was trying to sleep. She asked me what was up and was really nice too. She told me again that Greg talks about me and everything she's heard about me has been really posistive. She said she'd hate to see me leave when I have so much potential and hope and am so bright and creative. She told me I could be so much more than an eating disorder..that all my talents and qualities out weigh whatever idenity the eating disorder gives me.
It was extremely nice of her. What was nicer was that she did something I really needed: She tried to find out how much food I can handle without purging. We planned tomorrow the minimum I'm able to consume. We wrote out a plan where I only need to finish half my meals and 100% of my snacks but I have a 25% lenancy where needed. I think that's more do-able. She called my therapist here to get it approved then told the staff who are going to be here tomorrow morning so they wouldn't get on my case.
I don't know if I still want to stay but I do know I don't know what's out there for me. I feel really stuck, really depressed, and really torn.