depressed then not so much
2005-11-20, 12:36 p.m.

So I met with Dr. Kim (therapist here) yesterday and with my dad. We worked out an agreement with the food. They're going to give me half of my meals so I won't feel so overwhelmed with wanting to purge. If I lose weight NEXT week, they're going to up my calories. If I purge then that's it...I'm booted. It's a very scary thought that one slip up is all it takes to get me out of here.
The session with my dad and Dr. Kim went allright. My dad played up his supportive role and "She is the world to me" speel. But he also asked annoying questions like "can a nutrition deficieny be a componant?" or "If she got a job or did something productive could that help the obsession with her weight and appearence". For the first question, Dr. Kim said something about ya, nutrition can be a component but correcting any nutrition problems with only help so much. And ya, a job would help to make me be independent but it would only correct something if this just went as far as an obsession..not a disorder. Dr. Kim said exactly what I was thinking so it was good that he got that out there.
Yesterday we got a new girl named Shaina. She is 18 and just got out of the hospital. Were getting along pretty good so I'm glad she's here. Two people just left and the house was getting kind of lonely. Tonight someone else is coming so that should make things even more interesting.
This afternoon were going to get pedicures and maybe see a movie. Today has been good so far. Yesterday I didn't purge for the first time in ages.
I'm still really unsure about recovery mainly because the idea of never bingeing or purging again seems unrealistic. I still really crave things and want an unhealthy amount of it. I don't know how I'll let go of the idea of being able to eat as much as I want and get rid of it.
It's hard for me to see how there can be a great world out there to embrace. I'm so stuck in the mindset of everything is meaningless. I don't se the point of getting up everyday, going to work, going home, and repeating it again. That just sounds like a shitty life.
Oh ya. I'm still on the prozac. They have me up to 20 mg. I've been on it for a couple weeks now. I don't know if it's helping or not yet. These past few days I've been so depressed..I can't remember being this depressed since freshmen and sophmore year. But today and yesterday with the food modified has been okay. I feel happy today.