2005-12-03, 3:16 a.m.
I realize I'm completely destroying my life.
I had the opportunity to make something of this shit hole life and I walked away because I wanted to binge and purge. Food has won every war in my life: social life, finacially, and school. I don't socialize because I can't bear to put off bingeing and purging for a few hours. Even if I do try to socialize, it's all I can think of. Finacially I'm in the hole because I can't hold a job for basically the same reasons as socially. I also can't stand to work for so many hours because I'm weak from not eating and throwing up everything I do eat. My school work has suffered because I'm prone to skipping classes to binge and purge or even leave school to go to the grocery store. With the same problem as having a job, I'm often too weak to concentrate in class. Walking up stairs makes me winded and is almost enough work on my body to make me want to skip math class on the second floor.
Since I've left oceanaire, I've gone into deep depression and hopelessness. I'm back to bingeing late into the night and purging till I'm dry heaving. What's different about now as opposed to before, however, is that I'm now bingeing and purging several times a day. I don't need a reason to anymore and I don't even try to stop myself. I just don't care anymore. My goal for weightloss is stronger then ever. I'm brought the scale back out and am keeping a close monitor on my weight: when I wake up, before I binge, after I binge, and most importantly after I purge to make sure I'm the same weight or less. I want to disapear into nothing. I don't care how hideous I look when I'm skin and bones it's the desired look I want.
I've crawled into a passive shell when it comes to reaching out. Instead of telling Julio what's going on I nearly beg him to see me then completely ignore his e-mails like I'm trying to say "Fine! I don't care. I'll just sit over here and rot." when in reality I'm still crying out to him inside and fighting the urge to e-mail him that.
Everything in my life has gone to shambles and I don't know how to put it back together again or even if I have the strength and will power to do that. I just want to throw up my hands in the air with defeat and crawl into bed forever and ever amen. I give up.