2005-12-08, 1:56 a.m.
I'm really tired.
I'm going back to Oceanaire tomorrow around 2.
I saw Julio tonight and it was amazing to see him. I missed him so much. He gave me a hug and said it was good to see me and he is proud of me. He said he was mad at me when I left but then really proud of me when he found out I was taking action to go back. He said I looked pretty like three times. It made me so embarrased but happy to have the compliments. I miss him already. It's weird how attatched I am to my therapist but when you have so little people in your life, those you do have a connection with are super special.
Julio and I talked about my relationships and how I'm closed off and how it'll take time to get those close relationships. He said he wishes so much I could have the relationships he has had in his life...that there were hurtful parts of the relationship but the good parts brought so much joy and was such a blessing and out weigh the bad. I want that for me, too.
We also talked about my dad and what kind of roll he puts me in..and how as soon as I got back home my dad made me the buffer again.
We talked about my anger and how I don't handle my anger well...when I get angry I do things like hurt myself and leave Oceanaire. He said he'd bet money on the fact that I'll probably return to the same place emotionally that I was at when I left but this time I CAN'T LEAVE NO MATTER WHAT (he emphasized).
I have so many emotions and thoughts about going back to Oceanaire tomorrow but I'm so fucking tired right now. I thought I needed to eat and purge everything one last time and now my body hates me.