2005-12-11, 6:25 p.m.
E-mails between Julio and I...
Thats crap Mellissa. You retreat to a place where you are worthless and incapable. That is a serious cop out. It is your "safe place" from trying and failing. You will render yourself and everyone else impotent and unable to help you. This is not an accident or a "real" place for you. It is a defense against trying and failing. You are scared ... OK. You are angry .... OK. You are confused ... OK. But you are not helpless nor incapable of change.
Remember when you are in the middle of these emotions and you are wanting quit and run away is when you have the opportunity to change and get through them. You will recycle back to these over and over again. You will reincarnate to these emotions. Do it now or you will keep coming back to this.
Instead of arguing with Dr Kim about how you can't change .. why not ask him to help you DO! Your "feeling" helpless is part of the problem. Talk about your fears of trying and failing. Talk about your wanting to retreat and leave as a problem you want to work on. That is different than taking the position that you want to leave and you are done.
Making a committment to stay for three weeks is a no brainer. Agreeing to not purge is also really appropriate. Making these committments will be scarey and frustrating. Staying and allowing yourself to be monitored and kept from purging will bring up many feelings and issues for you to work on. This experience will be very scarey and difficult. This is why you are there. You are there to hurt! You are there to get through these old feelings and habits that are killing you.
You are in a safe place to do this.
I don't know if you remember us talking about the pain of therapy. It is like doing surgery on yourself without a pain killer. It is hard and ugly. BUT there is is relief afterwards. There is growth and long term relief. You feel tired and spent. I submit that you are tired and spent from being tired and spent. You are in a revolving door of feelings. Get on with your work on yourself.
I believe you can. I believe in you. I believe this is not what you want for your life. I believe you can have a fulfilling life and be successful.
Your second chance in life will come when YOU help yourself and you can set up a life for yourself and have your own family that can be healthy and different from what you experienced. You can have this.
How do you know I'm capable and ready? How do you know I'm not worthless? I know I'm scared, angry, and confused but I also don't feel like giving up this eating disorder. I want it. I hate it and want it.
I don't like it here. I don't like the groups or how Dr. Kim treats me or the other girls. I feel zero connection with anyone except for one staff.
I feel broken into a million little pieces and maybe someday I'm fixable, but not today. I would love for Dr. Kim to help me change...I even expressed my distress about how I can't do this by myself and I wish someone could just help me and do it for me. I wish someone could find me a place to live because I feel totally unable to do anything.
I feel like my feelings are being discounted. I've already broke my promise to not purge. I knew if I got caught I'd get kicked out but it didn't seem to matter at the time. I panicked. Today in Target, it'd be hours after our snack but I felt like I just needed the release. I purged the most vile tasting old digested food. I felt better. I know when i'm not purging there is emotions that are scary but I can't identify the emotions. I can't figure out why i'm so stressed and why it feels so necessary. I feel numb and blank and disconnected from myself.
I know this is suppose to be a safe place but I don't feel safe. I feel insecure and left out and stupid and misunderstood. I understand what you're saying about the things I need to work on but I physically feel like I can't. I can't push through the emotions because I have no push left in me. I can't try because I don't care enough and I'm too tired to examine why I don't care. I don't know if that makes sense.
Tonight were suppose to submit our contracts. I'm suppose to write my letter to the treatment team about my promises. I've been so confused and not sure if I want to give them the letter I wrote. Part of me is relieved knowing that I wrote this letter and now they can deal with how they think is appropriate because I was totally honest. The relief comes from knowing I don't have to be here much longer.
It's totally depressing me to be here during Christmas season. I know home won't be any less depressing or lonely and so that's another big reassurance that I don't know where the hell to go or what to do with myself. I just want to disappear. This is the letter I wrote to the treatment team:
Dear Treatment team,
I don't think I should be here. I'm ashamed I came back only to realize, once again, that I'm not ready for this. I understand what I will be returning to - which is the dilemma. I feel as if I can't stay here and I can't go home I honestly don't know what to do with myself.
I can't contract to not purge. I feel if given the opportunity I'd take it. I can't contract to staying for a fixed length of time because I don't know what I"m doing here and I don't want to be here. I can't contract to stop isolating or talk about what I'm feeling because I feel disconnected from myself and uncomfortable with the other girls. I feel emotionally drained and that I have no more fight in me.
I apologize from the core for the trouble I've caused. I'm sorry for the way I left and all that was said. I apologize for coming back only to leave again. I didn't mean to be such an inconvenience and didn't mean for things to be this way.
I hope the team is still wiling to work out some plan for me leaving. I still need help and assistance in communicating this to my home therapist and my dad. I hope something can be worked out. Thank you for the time here and I'm sorry again.
I feel awful. I feel like a giant fuck up and disappointment but I also feel like this isn't possible. I'm torn between wanting to go through with this for you, my sister, and the people here, but I can't fake it. They require me to talk and open up and I can't make my mouth physically move to communicate. They require me not to purge and I can't let go. They are requiring me to be more active in my treatment and I feel dead inside. I don't want you to be mad if I leave. I really need understanding right now. I just need something.