2005-12-10, 5:56 p.m.
I had a pretty rough session with Dr. Kim today. I was crying so hard I couldn't breath. I think I was having a panic attack because everything got fuzzy for a little..or maybe I was just disassociating because I felt really out of it. Dr. Kim was asking me about what happened when I left and how it is to return. I told him about the other girls (Shaina and Annie) and how they're really close and I feel left out. Also how I don't feel like them. He asked me how this time will be different and I said I honestly don't know because all the feelings I use to have about coming back are gone now. The point at which I started to cry really hard was when talking about how I don't know what the hell to do with myself because I can't go back home and I can't stay here. I argued with Dr. Kim for a good hour about how i'm incapable of recovering. He said what makes me incapable and I tried to explain that emotionally i feel done...I could physically go through the motions but emotionally i'm not going to change or grow because i just am so tired. He argued with me and said I am capable and why am I being so enthusiastic about this point? I got so frustrated because I couldn't explain my feelings. For Monday's treatment planning I have to write out a contract of what I'm going to do differently (not purge, commit to a minimum of 3 weeks, and more) and how I understand if I break this contract I may be asked to leave. Indirectly, Dr. Kim said I leave against medical advice this time then I can't come back. Plus, my insurance will probably not cover another stay. I felt frozen and drained. I told him I don't know if I can write that contract. I tried to tell him I don't know what the fuck to do. While out in Redondo beach today I felt a little of the feelings I felt at home about coming back..that feeling of comfort and relaxation. Peace, almost. I'm seriously at a lost of what to do. I just want to figure things out for home....set up a place to live....line up a job..then I can do this longer. I know I'm fooling myself and that's probably why I feel so despondent and hopeless. Dr. Kim asked me if I thought it was better to want to purge here and hurt myself here or want to purge and hurt myself at home. I said that's suggesting I actually care about myself and that doesn't make a difference in my decision. So, uh, ya. I don't know.