humoring happiness
2005-12-18, 9:31 p.m.

I wonder why I bother trying with my dad. Today I asked him if he wanted to go Christmas shopping because I was desparate to get out of the house to get some exercise and keep myself from bingeing. I was in a talkative affectionate mood. He bought my Ipod at Target and made me feel so guilty. As we walked out of Target I got this really surreal feeling. I wanted to walk back to the electronics depeartment and tell him to forget it. I don't care anymore. I don't want him to be mad at me. On the way home, I asked to get frozen yogurt. He groaned and said no, it makes him sick. I said okay, then can you take me? He said fine. But it's bad for me. It isn't real food. I talked over him and said I know, I don't care. He said I need to learn to eat real food. I shouldn't eat that stuff. I said I KNOW. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. It made me feel awful. I didn't want to get frozen yogurt anymore. I felt guilty for wanting to eat it. I turned my head and looked out the window and tried not to cry. I fought my tears but they trickled down my cheek anyway. I tried not to look obvious as I wiped them away. I was silent and angry. I felt my cheeks burn in my anger. At home I suddenly felt exhausted. Not wanting to eat anymore, I went upstairs and napped. I woke up 3 hours later and it was dark outside. I asked my dad if he wanted to play cards. I again fell into the trap of wanting a relationship with my dad...wanting some kind of connection. My brother and dad and I played cards. The brief moment of happiness was cut short when my mom started throwing things around in the computer room. My dad acted like nothing was going on and continued drawing and discarding. I froze midair and couldn't concentrate on whether or not I needed the queen of diamonds. I said to my dad, sharply, carefully, "why don't you do something. she's throwing something. do something. for once." he got up and didn't rush to go to my mom. i tried not to cry.
later my dad and i were walking my dog in the dark. my limbs felt stiff and tired. i think from bingeing and purging so much lately. i had a hard time keeping up with my brother and dad so i was dragging behind them. my dad started to turn towards my house then changed his mind and walked towards another street. By this point, i was really far behind them. I felt exhausted. Part of me wanted to push myself for the exercise and another part of me was sad they wouldn't wait for me. I gave up and turned around by myself and headed back home in the cold. As I walked, I thought how nothing changes. It is so stupid to feel happiness and humor the feeling of happiness in this house. It only gets interrupted by my mom or something else horrible and everything comes crumbling down.