2005-12-22, 12:06 a.m.

I am in shock. I can't believe I'm not hysterically crying. Probably because I LET THIS HAPPEN.
I made a post on craigs list asking for a platonic friend. My listing said I was unattractive so no one would seek me out for my looks.
I met up with someone tonight. He seemed really nice and funny on AIM. Seemed. He was 32, but I thought that was okay. We met up at barnes and noble. He looked older then 32 but seemed friendly. We walked around and talked, joked, asked eachother questions. I was trying to relax. It was weird..he was not attractive and felt slightly creepy with a bad sense of humor. After barnes and noble, he asked if I wanted dinner. We went over to Islands and talked more. I tried to avoid any talk with sexual refrences so I wouldn't make him uncomfortable.
For some reaosn, I thought he might've been disapointed with me since I looked so young. I thought I was making him uncomfortable.
After Islands (which I threw up in the bathroom. god.) he asked if I wanted to get icecream or walk down at the beach. I said ok. We decided on going in his car (MISTAKE 1). He said he needed to stop at his house to get a sweater. He did, and brought me one too. On the way from his house to the ice cream shop, he pulled over and said he wanted to kiss me. I was seriously shocked. My heart did a leap. He asked if it was okay. I was screaming "EW. NO NO." inside but I said ok outloud. I mean, a harmless kiss. I relaxed. It was nice to be touched. From there, we headed down the beach to the ice cream shop. He pulled over again to "check out the waves". we sat on the stairs. it wasn't long till he kissed me again. a lot. inside i kept thinking "god, this is so weird. i just met him" and "god hes so old" and "god. doesn't he get over kissing?" I tried to relax though, because it was nice to be touched. To be wanted.
We got back into his car and I asked where we were going. He said it was a suprise. I asked him, playfully (pretending), to tell me. He asked if I was up for anything and without thinking I said yes. He said we were going to blockbuster to rent a family guy dvd then to his place.
I sat on the couch at his place, tense. He sat on the floor and invited me to sit next to him. Then he moved me inbetween his legs. We watched an episode then he started kissing me. It progressed quickly. More kissing. More touching. I kept thinking in my head "soon it will be over". He put me on top of his lap, strattling. Then removed my jacket. I helped. I felt numb. I went along. It's my fault.
We kissed. Our clothes came off. When he was sliding off my pants and underwear I almost almost almost said something. I tried to make myself say no but nothing came out. I felt so humilated. In the midst of it all, I worried about the size of my thighs. More foreplay. Humilting stuff I can't talk about. He dangled his penis over my crotch and I worried about pregnency. I asked if he had a condom then worried that I just gave him permission. He carried me to his bedroom, kissed me all over, bit me all over, kissed me roughly. He exusced himself to get the condom.
When he tried to enter, it wouldn't go in. We tried a few posistions but it would hurt so bad. Finally on my hands and knees it went in. I was cringing and pain and mouthing "ow ow ow ow ow" as he went inside of me. He asked if I was okay because I'm so tight. I said yes. I'm fine. He said are you sure? I said yes. I wasn't fine. I was in so much pain and wanted it to be over. After that, more foreplay. I don't want to go into details.
I told him I should go after laying there for awhile. His response was to move down on me again. He wouldn't stop kissing and touching me.
After it all, I walked into the living room ashamed..naked. He helped me put on my clothes and I felt like a child and that doing that was very unsexy I know how to clothe myself thank you very much.
He drove me back to barnes and noble and kissed me in the parking lot. I worried about people seeing. I smiled a fake smile, said a goodnight, nd got in my car and stared at the dashboard trying to muster up tears.
I smoked the whole way home. One cigarette after another. When I got home, I threw his sweatshirt he gave me and the dinner left overs in the garbage. I took a scolding hot shower trying to wash the smell of sex off me.
I can't believe what I did. I don't know why. I don't know what I'm feeling.