fuckity fuck.
2006-01-04, 3:22 p.m.

this depression is debilitating.
i wake up and can't find a reason to get out of bed. i weigh myself and feel insane...wanting to take a zillion pills and exercise till i pass out. i usually find a middle ground and take a handful of pills and exercise till i'm sick of it.
i think about going outside but don't want to do anything alone. i'm tired of shopping alone. the idea of walking around another mall by myself zaps me of energy.
i feel like i'm losing my mind.
dr. kim text messaged me yesterday at christie's. i was trying to drink away the feelings but our party was cut short because christie remembered she had to work the next day. dr. kim texted that this week has been high maintenance/demanding and i'm not a pest. he said he'd try to call me today. i text him back, saying thanks for letting me know what's going on..hope to hear from you.
but i knew he wasn't going to call today. i hold on to the hope that he will because otherwise i start crying and panicking. i keep my cell phone by me at all times, even when going to the bathroom, so this time i can't miss his call. this reminds me of appointments with julio. i hold on to the date of my appt...it keeps me going..but after the appt, i feel empty inside because the appt didn't fix me.
i feel suicidal. nothing has meaning anymore. i can't live in this fucking house with all the fucking mess and bugs and dust and spiders. i want to move out but worry how i'm going to keep up my eating disorder in an unfamiliar place. i can't fix things so i just want to give up completely. the only way i'll ever feel better is to die.
i eat and throw up until i'm coughing bile and my whole body is shaking in a cold sweat. i want to hurt myself. i want to pass out. i want to die of this.
i order 6 different types of diet pills..still looking for that magic pill. i read reviews of pills like i'm devouring a binge. i tear each word apart and try to find that secret pill in these reviews. the reviews that say the pill made them nauseous, sick, shakey, and feel like hell...I order. Because i'm so immune to pills I want the worse, strongest thing out there.
i consider snorting my anti-depressants. just for the fuck of it.
i stopped taking prozac again because i gvie up on it. it's too much trouble to keep up with. It's too much of a worry when i miss one day. just f ucking forget it.
i pound away on the treadmill..burning my anger off. hoping to burn this weight gain off.
i don't know what i'm trying to accomplish or why i'm so sad or why i hate myself so much. i hate myself because no one loves me enough to compensate for my hate.
this loneliness, this ugliness, this hate for myself, this depression..it's all enough for me to want to shoot my brains out.