2006-01-05, 10:45 p.m.
I really don't know what to do.
I was out shopping with Danielle tonight and I couldn't stop thinking about St. Joseph's. I miss Rita and Laura, the dietician, so much. The anxiety risen about missing them and the program is ridiculous. I couldn't concetrate while with Danielle. I was suppose to spend the night at her place but I was/am feeling so anxious about treatment that I went home to think.
First I texted Dr. Kim asking if he could talk. Danielle brought me to my car in the albertsons parking lot and as soon as I got in my car, I started to sob. I felt so overwhelmed and the tears were waiting to overflow the whole time I was with her. That's when I texted Dr. Kim. I felt slightly better knowing I reached out, and started to drive home. When he didn't call back right away, I called Oceanaire hoping Greg was working the evening shift. There was no answer.
My tears blurred the road and I saw streaks of red brake lights. I tried to calm myself down so I could drive but I kept bursting out in sobs. I tried Oceanaire again, and was relieved to hear "Oceanaire this is Greg". My heart immediatly warmed and I said "Greggggg! Hi. It's Melissa." It was so nice to talk with him. I talked to him about how much I'm struggling and the idea of not going into treatment is freaking me out. He told me in confidence that the census is low at Oceanaire, has been for awhile, and if they don't get bodies soon they'll be in trouble. He told me if I call Berta tomorrow, she might be willing to work over the doctors and let me in because I have something she wants (insurance money). I told him I would. He said I better, because he's going to ask Berta if I called. That made me happy. It also made me happy because he said Dr. Kim approached Berta about me returning and Berta told Greg that. I was glad to hear that Berta knew I would want Greg to know, and she thought Greg cared enough to tell him I might be returning. I asked Greg about the other patients there right now and he said they're not artsy like me, and they're not really smart. I was glad in a bitter way...I want Greg to myself and don't want Greg to like anyone more then me. He also thanked me for the "love monkey" i sent. It was a stuffed animal I bought offline..homemade..nearly 40 bucks. He is called "cecil the love monkey". I sent it to Greg for Christmas.
I don't want my emotions to get in the way or skew perception for me. Part of me only wants to go back to treatment because I miss them. Another part of me is freaking out with the idea of not having a plan and my life going down the tubes. Another huge part of me just wants to be sick. I feel like I can't go into treatment until I get deathly thin. My weight is so high right now. I'm not underweight and I hate myself for not being underweight. I don't know what to do short of starving myself or searching out cocaine.
I wish someone could make these decisions for me. I'm so lost.