fucking night.
2006-01-09, 12:44 a.m.

Kindly remind me never to binge on so much food again.
i can't even recall what I ate..I just know I was bingeing so much because i didn't feel like purging, and I just wanted to keep eating despite being sickly stuffed. i purged till it was liquidy chocolate (and rinsed twice) but i feel like a deflated balloon. Dehydrated, thirsty, and bloated. My body feels stretched and fat and wobbly. I'd exercise if I didn't hurt all over.
Today I woke up, showered, binged and purged, then went to starbucks. I got unsweetened passion tea and journaled. I tried to write the pros and cons out of going to treatment but I couldn't concentrate. I like to people watch while I'm at starbucks. I feel probably the calmest I've been in days just sitting there with my feet up, smoking, and sun bathing. I tried to call Wendie from St. Joseph's, but got her answer machine. I called Christie and asked her what she was doing. She said she was watching TV and doing laundry and told me to come over. Less than 5 minutes later, I was at her house.
We decided to go to Costco and Big 5 sports because I found a gift card in a parking lot to Big 5. I wanted to see if there was any money on it. Remarkably, to all our suprise, there was 60 bucks on there! I didn't get anything because I felt pressure from them and didn't want to decide yet. Then we went to costco where everything looked good because we were hungry. At 5, we went to dinner at a place called wingnuts. I felt uncomfortable. I'm use to the uncomfortable silence after I order salad and soup, but that night I didn't want to waste my money on food I wouldn't eat. I ordered fish and chips with mash pototes and baked beans for the side. Nothing safe. I drank a glass of water to prepare my stomach. I ate the mash potatoes, beans, 2 fish sticks, and some fries. Then I purged. I came back after a little too long (stupid potatoes) and picked at my food. I got a to-go box for tonight's b/p and was happy with the large portions so there was tons left still. Then Christie and Adam wanted to get frozen yogurt which is usually a safe food for me but I decided I'm too fat to keep anything down. We watched Dogma and ate frozen yogurt. Then I ate some of Christie's icecream and a piece of almond roca. The purge was easy even without liquids. At 7:30, I felt exhausted from all the purging. I decided to head home and debated in my head whether or not I wanted to have my nightly b/p.
I stopped at the grocery store and got oreos and nutter butters. Then I went to Burger king and got 2 cheeseburgers. Off to the gas station for peach-o's, a tuna salad sandwich, a king size nutrageous bar, and a pack of cigarettes.
On the way home, all I could think about was getting out of my jeans, pulling back my hair, laying in bed, and eating. 20 minutes later after everything was cooked and reheated, I feasted.
2 hours later I was purging. I ate so much tonight. Out of 2 hot pockets, 2 burgers, one sandwich, a bowl of angel hair pasta, a bag of chips, a bag of peach-o's, double stuff oreos, nutter butters, and half a 12 inch pizza is half a bag of chips, half a bag of oreos, 1/4 bag of nutter butters, and most of the pasta. oi.
I e-mailed a lady from a local ANAD (anorexia and associated disorders) meeting to ask if they were still taking place. She gave me the address, the info, and invited me to come tomorrow night. She was really nice about it. I think I'll go. I'm going to try to go to OA this Tuesday night, too, and I have a therapist appointment with Julio on wednesday.
As for going back to Oceanaire, I wanted a clear sign whether or not to go. I'm thinking not at this moment. Unless I strongly feel like going, I think that's a sign I shouldn't go. Maybe if I lose some weight I'll feel okay with going. But at 95 pounds and being 5'1, I feel like a fraud.
Now I'm going to take some sleeping pills, rehydrate, and pop some laxatives (to dehydrate? oi.)