2006-03-09, 12:31 a.m.
God. What a fucking terrible day.
I haven't been sleeping very much since last friday (4-5 hours per night) and so this morning I was particularly irritable. In group, I got chewed out for being too quiet. I said I didn't know what to say and what was bothering me, and I'm tired. The group leader says she gets tired of trying to pry information out of me. I felt obligated to say something but everything I said she looked at me like I was saying something confusing...so it made me feel stupid. I forgot what we were talking about, but all of a sudden I was bawling. I knew it was because I was just so tired and this normally wouldn't make me cry.
By the afternoon I was really lethargic. We had rec therapy but I just sat on the couch with a blanket, trying to fall asleep. The rec therapist kept snapping at me "Melissa! Get up! What's wrong with you today?!" And not in a concerned, nice tone..she asked kind of like "what the fuck is your problem?". Then she proceeds to tell me THIS(laying on the couch? refusing to do yoga?) is the reason I need to be in inpatient. I snapped back "Am I not allowed a bad day?" She kind of backed off after that.
I was suppose to go to a job interview today but I decided I wasn't feeling up to it. In the morning, one of the girls offered to go with me. I was more willing to go if she would accompany me. But then because I was so tired and depressed in the afternoon, the rec therapist was saying I shouldn't go if I am going to act like that and i have to actually want the job. I DID want the job, I was just fucking tired and knew I could put on a front when it came to the interview. But when it was time to go, they kept DISCOURAGING me to go. Telling me what I was wearing wasn't appropriate for the interview and I should've worn closed toe shoes. I tried to explain that I wasn't planning on going, that's why I didn't dress for it.
kathy, the girl who was going to go with me, asked if I still wanted to go. I shrugged and another patient chimes in "i'm just worried about what you're wearing..." and the rec therapist starts supporting that for the upteenth time. I finally got frustrated and said "Fine. I won't go." And walked out. I heard Kathy say "see guys, you're just frustrating her." I heard the rec therapist ask me to come back but i just kept walking trying not to cry.
When I was in the parking lot waiting to get out of the garage, Kathy called me and asked if I wanted to go soon. I then proceeded to start to cry saying no one thinks i can do it so i won't go. She told me to meet her there.
I did. I acted cheery and awake. I don't think I want this job. But now I feel like if I don't take it, everyone will keep acting like i'm a lazy fuck up.