recovery ambivilance
2006-03-11, 9:54 p.m.

Last Friday I recieved my phentermine. I took it all weekend and all throughout the following week. I slept like shit. 4 hours a night max. By the following Friday (yesterday) I was fucking beat. I woke up to go to St. Joseph's and couldn't fathom making the drive, let alone shower. I decided to take a mental health day. I slept in till 10:30 when Christie called me.
I spent my day with Christie, barely eating. I got tea at the mall, frozen yogurt at costco (which i purged at the other mall) and had a few sips of jamba juice. I came home and binged and purged 3 times. Today, I woke up, went grocery shopping, took phentermine, binged and purged, binged and purged again, and now am wondering what the fuck I'm doing.
I am so tired of going into St. Joseph's come Monday and morning and confess to having a bad weekend. I feel like a broken record. I'm sure I'm sounding like a broken record, too, because I get the distinct feeling that they are sick of me. I tried to tell them that: that I feel like everyone is just fed up with me. That I've been in treatment too long, therapy too long, having problems too long, and overstayed my welcome with all my friends. I left Thursday on a bad note - mad and crying and ignoring the rec therapist whom I love - and then Friday I didn't show. I hate hate hate passive agressive people but I was very passive on Friday. Instead of calling in about my absence, I wanted them to call ME. Then when no one called, staff or patients, I got offended. They were probably glad I wasn't there.
Meanwhile, I know I gotta start kicking butt in treatment soon. Soon as in yesterday was already too late. I can't be in recovery and be sick at the same time anymore. There is no way to do that forever. I feel like I'm hanging by a thread at St. Josephs; that any day now they'll tell me they won't treat me anymore or they want me to go to Del Amo. I don't know what to do. If I get sent away I risk losing all the progress I'm making at St. Josephs but if I don't get sent away I'm going to continue bingeing and purging. All week I have been trying to keep down as little as possible. I want to lose weight. I want to get weighed on Monday and actually lose. I told the dietician on Thursday that I felt like I was gaining weight. She asked me to include an extra fat at my lunch but I said I can't, I can't...I'm way too big already. She said we'll talk about it on Monday.
And with my arm picking? I honestly want them to see how bad it is. I'm not picking and bruising it up just for attention, but I like the secondary gain in this. I'm really fucked up. I feel so empty and I get fufilled by people coddling me and feeling sorry for me and babying me. I don't want to do anything for myself anymore. I want people to care so much they'll do it for me. That's totally unrealistic, I know.
In my black and white mind, when I try to figure out what to do about treatment, I feel like my only options are to get fat and sad or skinny and numb. However, I feel like neither of those are an option because i can't see myself living like that. Therefore, I just need to give up on life. I'm not making sense.