2006-03-13, 5:14 p.m.
I'm in a crappy mood. Really crappy. I guess what I thought the anti-depressants were doing was just an illusion.
Laura, the dietician, told me I'm in my target weight range. This is freaking the fuck out of me. I hate not being underweight still. I keep dwelling on "well, i USE to be able to lose weight by eating like this." But now my metabolism is fucked up and bingeing and purging is my down fall. She asked me for my phentermine. I gave it to her and now i'm regretting it sorely.
I don't know what I'm doing in treatment. I am not even trying to be compliant half of the time. At all my snacks and at lunch I try to "shave" my food - meaning instead of taking 1/2 cup of beans i take a little less. I feel guilty if i don't. I can't fathom what life would be like if I quit treatment right now. I know my life would just go rapidly down hill and I would wish I stuck through it - but I don't know what to do right now. I can't quit and I can't keep being sick in treatment. I feel like dying. I'm failing at everything and everyone at St. Josephs is just fed up with me. I don't know why I just can't express my needs instead of hoping someone will notice. Today at lunch I was short a grain so I had to get pretzels. 12 pretzel twists are one grain, and I ate about 8. Another anorexic girl shorted herself too and Laura called her on it, then drilled her to see how many she ate to compensate. She didn't even notice me. I hate passive agressive behavior but I find myself going back into those old ways: pouting and isolating, trying to act sick. After snack today I went to the bathroom without any bad intentions. But when I got in there i thought: "no one cares if i don't throw up." So I did. And I felt even emptier that no one noticed. I don't see how they could've...but i still felt crappy.
I'm so confused. So so confused. And I feel like if I talk about this to Rita she won't be sympathetic. Lately she looks at me like i'm speaking russian. I'm just trying to be honest and talk through things and I guess she either thinks how i'm feeling is stupid or doesn't understand.
i don't want to do this anymore. treatment, life, therapy, pushing myself, being uncomfortable, feeling fat, taking pills, eating food. i just don't want to do anything anymore. i want to crawl into bed and die. I find myself wishing I was suicidal. I'm too much of a coward and an over-analyzer to actually go through it but I wish I had the capacity to kill myself. I really, really do.