2006-03-24, 9:52 p.m.

I'm stuck in a cycle of constant bingeing and purging. I lost track of how many times I puked today. I puked up lunch, smoked, then felt like hell in group. Thank god we were just watching a movie, so I layed down and tried to make my stomach stop hurting. After the movie, I got really hot and really shakey. I got up to go the bathroom and the room started to spin. After peeing, I told the therapist I was going to go because I didn't feel well. She thought I meant emotionally, so she asked me to talk to her. I was like, no, physically, I seriously feel bad. She asked me to grab a snack so I walked to the back of the room and grabbed a bag of pretzels. I saw 4 chocolate chip cookies sitting on the microwave - probably would be thrown out because on Friday we throw everything out that's not taken. Without thinking, I snagged them and stuck them in my purse, and looked around in fear like someone might be watching me. Walking to my car, I started to feel really awful. Driving, my body started to get really hot. I took off my jacket and rolled down the windows but I could feel my body sweating everywhere - even my back. I tried to calm myself down but my heart was racing and I didn't know what to do or who to call. I told myself to just make it to the gas station when I get off the freeway. When I got to the gas station, I had managed to eat 7 or so pretzels from the bag I grabbed. I opened my door of my car, put my head inbetween my knees, and threw up (involuntarily) the pretzels. I put gas in my car, went inside and bought an airhead and propel fitness water. I got back into my car and chugged the whole 24 oz. Then I drove to Christie's to help her with wedding stuff. I ended up marinating some veggies on a skewer. I felt insanely hungry. I ate a few veggies, a couple pistachios, and some beef jerky. i immediatly felt guilt. i told Christie I had to go, went home, binged on a small amount, purged, and was ready to go just as Danielle showed up at my door. When I got home from shopping with her, my parents were at dinner. I made some popcorn because I was starving. After I ate the popcorn, I started to eat a few soda crackers. I panicked, realizing I ate the crackers without thinking. So I finished off the bag, half a bag of jelly bellies, the chocolate chip cookies from program, left overs my parents brought home, and a few slices of toast. I puked (how many is that? 4?) and drove to get frozen yogurt.
now I'm feeling like eating again but I think if I do I will balloon up and pass out.
Yesterday Rita offered to take one of the other patients as a client in her private practice. She said one of her regulars is going out of state to school and now she has a free slot. I felt immediate pain because I thought I was "special" and that's why Rita offered to take me on. But in reality, she was taking anyone. I still haven't heard if my insurance will cover two therapists.