sexuality and emptiness
2006-03-26, 11:58 p.m.

Ughhh. Seriously, someone duct tape my mouth shut.
Yesterday was Christie's wedding. I lost count of how many times I puked there. I puked once before the ceremony (I was helping set up and ate lunch with the intentions of keeping it...), and 3 or 4 times throughout the whole thing. Then I came home and binged and purged even though I felt exhausted, sore, and NOT hungry. Today I slept in till 2 PM and managed to get in two binge/purges. My body is puffy and sore and hates me.
This whole sexuality issue has been on my mind lately. Yesterday at the Wedding, Christie's Dad was getting really weird with me. Her parents are divorced and now Bruce, Christie's dad lives with a couple of his kids. He drank too much. Way too much. Before the wedding, I was outside smoking and he came out and asked me for one. He talked too casually and relaxed with me. Later that evening, I went outside to the fire pit and he gave me a hug. Then another. He was uncomfortable close to my face and when I stepped back, he stepped foward. He kept finding reasons to touch me. Finally he said "i've had too much to" I guess to explain his behavior. I made an exusce about the smoke getting into my eyes and rushed inside.
Today I feel really depressed. It was amazing to see my two best friends marrying eachother, but it made me very sad. I wanted to tell them how lucky they are to find someone to fufill them and make them so happy. I just felt a heavy weight of emptiness looking at them. They are happy and going on with their life, they have purpose and direction, and I envy them so much. I feel empty and depressed. If I keep puking, I'm never going to get out of this house.