2006-03-29, 7:36 p.m.
Baaaaad last couple days.
Every Tuesday the staff at St. Josephs have their staff meeting about all of us patients. Mid-meeting, Dr. Williams, the psychiatrist, came out and asked if he could see me. I walked out with him in the hall, expecting a one-on-one question. Instead, he asked me to step into the staff room where they were meeting.
It was definitely way intimidating. Next to me sat Dr. Williams and Dan. Across from me was Laura the dietician, and Rita. Dr. Williams asked, dryly, "So, Melissa. How do you think you're doing?" I said, "That sounds like a question you already know the answer to." Because I hate questions like that. I laughed nervously. Rita said, not kindly, "Well, if you know, Melissa, then verbalize it. Tell us what we already know." I clammed up with the confrontation. Looking down at my hands, my vision blurred and shook with my nervousness. I coughed and tried to think of the right thing to say. I stammered out, "I..don't know." Rita said, equally sternly, "Melissa. That's bullshit. You know that doesn't fly with me. Quit saying you don't know because if you keep saying that you'll start to believe it." I started to cry. I was getting angry and thinking about leaving. Dan, the guy who always does our monday reports with us, said "What disturbs me is the score you give yourself for 'personal effort to improve.'" I tried to defend myself and say things always go down over the weekend, but he said my purging during program reflects otherwise. Basically, they suggested inpatient once again and in order for them to defend me staying there (to the insurance) I needed to step it up a notch and start working. Hurt, I said "I thought I was working." Rita clarified that she has seen me make improvements since I started the prozac, but I have regressed. Laura jumped in to say even I said I was ticked off at myself because this was the place to be working on these things and instead I'm being secretive. I heard all they said, but I took it as them being sick of me and ready to give me the boot. Dan said he was torn between releasing me onto the streets and keeping me somewhere where I'm not improving. Before I could run out in anger, Rita said "Melissa, you have two choices here. Get angry and play the victim, or listen to what were saying and use it as fuel to make some changes. Were not saying we don't like you, and infact we would love to keep you here." At this, Laura nodded enthusiastically. I tried to tell them I understood what they're saying and really want to make some changes because I'm sick of how I'm living.
After I came out with them, Dr. Williams did a group with us. Recovering from crying and still shaking and flustered, I tried to journal about what just happened. Dr. Williams said to me, in a mocking tone "Are you taking notes?" I said no. He said "Well, maybe you should put your journal away then." I defended myself, saying, "I need to journal right now." He asked me to do it later and why can't it wait? I snapped "Because you guys just jumped all over me and I'm freaking out! I need to journal about it." He asked if I thought I was above the discussion. I snapped, again, "I know about OCD already. I've heard this speech 8,000 times." "So you think there is nothing else you can learn?" he said smoothly. I snapped, my voice getting higher: "I didn't say that. I just think my journaling is more important at the moment" He said okay and left me alone.
I met with Julio that afternoon. I rehashed the events of the morning and tried to get some resolution. I felt really torn and really confused. By the end of the appointment, I still didn't feel resolved. In the last few minutes I repeated myself saying: "I don't know what to do."
This morning, we had Rita. I tried to bring up a topic Julio has been pushing me to talk to Rita about.
So I brought it up. I talked to the girls at morning snack and asked them to help me talk about it. I brought it up but a combo of one of the other girls rambling about bullshit and Rita not picking up my hints of wanting to talk about it, i was overlooked. I felt mad because they keep asking me to speak up and when I do, they don't acknowledge it. I ate lunch and did better then Monday - Where I refused to eat my veggie burger. I didn't get all my exchanges in but did do okay. After lunch, I felt like purging. They asked me to talk to them when I do, so i tried to wave Cathy, the rec therapist over. Cathy told me to hold on a second because she was talking to another patient. Full and tired, I fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, I woke up to cathy and the other girl still talking to the group socially. I announced I had to leave to get my haircut and Cathy said "It's funny. Everytime we do yoga you have some reason to leave. So we'll just do yoga on Friday and walk today." She knows I like the walks and hate yoga, so that irritated me. I just said passively "Fine." And left. I was frustrated because I tried to call Cathy over several times to "process" my "feelings" about lunch, and I was blown off.
I was a little too happy when I read my treatment evaluation sheets today. From alst week, it said I have lost weight 2 weeks in a row. I was excited that all my effort has payed off, but skeptical because i haven't noticed a difference in my weight.
I don't know now. I want to stay at st. josephs, but even after that meeting, i'm not making any changes.