2006-04-01, 12:21 a.m.
I unlocked my diary. I don't think there is any reason to keep it locked anymore and I think the more people who read this, the better.
I'm depressed again. I was feeling pretty good on the prozac for awhile...more motivated, less hopeless, but now I feel like my old self again. Part of me is relieved and another, bigger part of me is just annoyed. Depression is such a huge road block. It keeps me from getting out, moving foward in my life, making friends, getting a job, going to school, EVERYTHING is ruined by depression. It feels like this huge barrier that if I got over it my possibilities would be endless.
Rita said the treatment team is hesistant to up my prozac because of how much it increased my picking. It's gotten a little better, so maybe next week I can talk about upping it. I'll take picking apart my body over depression any day.
This morning I felt really depressed. It was a total de ja vu to be sitting in group, disconnected, flat, and zoned out. Rita picked up on my depression. I tried to vocalize it but I was ready to lay down and nap - despite the sleep I've been getting. Rita gave the group permission to take a smoke break but I had no cigarettes and didn't want to socialize with the other patients. I was on the couch next to Rita's chair, with my back to the group, so I didn't notice everyone left except me. Rita said to me, "you're really depressed today, aren't you?" I nodded and explained how I was feeling and mentioned how I related to something someone in the group said. Than, I looked around to identify who I related to, and realized I was alone with Rita.
We had a good talk. She pointed out my face looked more swollen today and asked if I purged a lot yesterday. I hesistantly said yes.
Yesterday I met up with a girl from another forum to go to a buffet. I lied to Rita and said I needed to give my brother a ride in order to leave there a little early. We went to souplantation and it wasn't awkward in the least - in fact it was quite fun. It was nice not to have the pressures of preparing food and it was nice to have the company. Before my last trip to the loo, I felt a general unsatisfaction and longing. I tried to figure out what else I wanted to eat, but I was full, and my yearning was deeper then my stomach. Probably the oddest part of the afternoon was purging at the same time in different stalls. I took a considerable amount of more time - because she's hands free and I'm not - but it was odd to look down at her feet and know what we were both doing.
Today went better than I anticipated and how it started out. After the group with Rita, we had lunch. I barely ate snack and had no breakfast, so by lunch I was pretty hungry. I filled up on lettuce and fruit and hid my beans and salmon under spare lettuce leaves. I felt full and guilty by the end of the meal - even though I knew I consumed a pretty low amount of calories. Afternoon snack I ate an orange and half a yogurt - more than I've eaten for snack all week. Cathy was nicer to me this afternoon then she was all week - she noticed I was feeling a little better and seemed more sympathetic towards my struggles. Both times I went to the bathroom she followed me there and stood outside the door - giving me a caring lecture about If I purge, I'm just shooting myself in the foot.
After group, I rushed home to try to find my license. I really, really needed a cigarette and since I gave Laura my gas card on Tuesday, i had no means to buy it. Plus, with my license missing, I couldn't buy cigarettes even if I wanted to fork over the cash because they'll card me since i barely look 19. I tried to find my license for a few minutes, then gave up and broke into my mom's room. I took HER gas card and 10 bucks. I went to the far gas station, hoping whoever was working would be someone who has carded me before so i could get cigarettes. I got 20 dollars worth of junk food, and didn't attempt to buy cigarettes because the cashier was someone I didn't recognize. Then I went to the store, got 10 bucks worth of food, and headed to ANOTHER gas station. Thank god the check out person was someone I recognized. I got cigarretes, gum, and diet coke. He didn't card me and It felt so so good to smoke on the way home.
After my parents left to dinner, I binged and binged and binged. I heard the garage earlier than I anticipated, so I ran upstairs to hide my food in my room. Then I finished the bag of chips with my dad nearby, scooted upstairs, and puked.
After that I walked my dog with my dad because I feel sluggish lately. Then my dad and I got frozen yogurt.
I ate the yogurt after my dad went to bed, and craved the licorice bites I binged on earlier. So i binged all over again, even though I was exhausted.
I puked till I was getting licorice-flavored water and feel better now.
Tomorrow I need to bike ride with my dad - besides the fact I feel shitty lately. I swear, I've been shaking for a week straight.