2006-04-12, 12:34 a.m.
Depression wins. it keeps me from wanting to recover or do anything with my life.
I'm still taking my prozac but it isn't helping. I feel that familiar despondence come over me. Part of me is relieved that I still can feel it and the other part of me recognizes how much depression gets in the way of my life. I hate feeling like this but it's also a comfortable escape.
Today at St. Josephs was better then I predicted, but still didn't go well. Thank god, they didn't ask me into the staffing meeting again this week. I did, however, get angry at Dr. Williams again walk out on his group.
"I'm going to go smoke."
"I don't think you can do that right now."
"I don't think I care"
Julio's office called at 7 am this morning to move my 9oclock appt to 3:00. That was good because then I could talk about what happened today at St. Joe's vs. anticipating what would happen.
I was happy to leave early toady for my appointment. Lately, I've been barely staying for the whole day. I make exusces a lot why I have to leave early or convienantly scheduel things. On Monday I left right after lunch and later another patient told me the staff person said "I feel so bad for Melissa. I just want to help her. You guys seem much more comfortable and relaxed without her." That bitch.
Julio and I talked a lot about food today. What I'm bingeing on these days, what I keep down, why I binge, why I purge, and my feelings towards food. It was an easy conversation because I love food and talking about it but uncomfortable admitting to my odd behaviors. I found myself zipping and unzipping my jacket in discomfort. Julio wants me to keep going to St. Josephs till they boot me but I don't know. I'm so burnt out. I don't think I'm going to go tomorrow despite the fact that Rita is leading a group. The only person I feel comfortable talking with is Laura. I like Rita. A lot. But lately I haven't liked her. I think she's frustrated with me which I completely understand but I wish she was approaching me differently. I feel like everyone is sick and fed up with me.
With Christie too busy for me and not having any other friends, I'm back to realizing the only person I have in my life is my therapist. that's really sad to know. I love him, and I know he cares about me, but I feel so empty and alone. My sister called me today but I'm never comfortable opening up to her. christie called me today as well to invite me over for her birthday tomorrow but I don't even want to do that.
I'm depressed. I know I am. I am getting that hopeless, empty, want to give up and die feeling all over. My dad is more friendly then ever to me and it just makes me more depressed because I hate how our relationship is. I hate that I want it to be different and I hate that it will never change. My dad is my dad and I love and hate him. He is drinking more these days. He made a crack about the frozen yogurt girl giving him a blow job. K, thanks dad, don't want to hear that. He gets very sarcastic and open when he's drinking. I don't like it. It feels fake. I don't know what I want from him. I want him to be something he's not and I'll never get that from him.
Six sleeping pills to take away the feelings and thoughts and in hopes to sleep until tomorrow evening.