on my own.
2006-04-08, 11:05 p.m.

As I'm puking over the toilet, my ipod blares through the head phones sitting atop my toilet. "On my Own" by the Used plays, and I stop shoving my fingers down my throat long enough to think - god. I will be on my own if I leave St. Josephs. Weekends will be my days everyday of the week. Purging all day. Waiting for the day I go outside and break the cycle. Wondering what the fuck I am going to do with my life, how I'm going to keep puking and manage to get out of bed everyday knowing what I will end up doing. Wondering how the fuck I'm going to get happy and out of this house.
I need to just DO this. Just commit to recovery but I've lost all motivation. I don't want to do this anymore. Life. I just want to disapear into a pile of food and a foggy brain. Really, my mom has the life. Whenever I bitch to Julio about my fears of going insane he tells me "you wouldn't be that lucky." Insanity is such an easier way to go - being so oblivious and out of touch with reality would be a dream.
On Tuesday I have therapy with Julio and on Tuesday the treatment team has their weekly staff meetings. One of the case managers pulled me aside last week to tell me they'll probably all bring me in again to discuss my plan. I think I got another week because Rita and Dr. Williams weren't able to make the staff meeting last week, so they couldn't come up to a united decision.
Today the scariest thing happened. I was sitting here eating frozen yogurt when my stomach started to hurt.
I ignored it, and kept eating. Then all of a sudden it got so bad I couldn't ignore it. I went upstairs to get some ibuprofren, took it, and laid down on couch.
The pain got extreme. I started to breath heavy because I was in so much pain. I called my dad over and told him. He said he'll give me some "HDL Detox". I moaned and rolled over, saying nooo.
As he was mixing that shit up, I felt like I was going to vomit.
I crawled over to the bathroom and laid on the floor.
My dad came in and I kept crying, "it hurts it hurts. so bad. help" he looked at me kind of helpless.
Then I started to get really sweaty and hot. My whole body was shaking. I took off my giant sweatshirt down to my undershit, in too much pain to care if my dad sees.
It started to hurt even worse, so I crawled back to the couch. I drank half of the dad my shit gave me and curled up in a ball trying to will it to stop.
I can't explain how much it hurt. I was sweating, shaking, and my stomach felt like it would never stop hurting and I didn't think I could handle it.
As soon as it came, it left. I felt immense relief all over me when the pain went down slowly. I felt a cold chill come over me and I was no longer sweating.
I'm still shaking, and a dull ache hits once in awhile, but I feel a lot better. That was seriously scary. I feel a lot better now minus the black spots that keep flashing before my eyes.
Despite all the shit going on, I can hold on to the idea that atleast I'm losing weight. I can look like shit, and have no friends, but be rest assured by my weight loss.
Christie got married last weekend and now I am friendless. I haven't heard from her since she got back from her honey moon and she messaged me on myspace to let me know she can't hang out tonight after all. Maybe next Thursday, she said. She wanted me to come to her next ultrasound but since they might figure out the sex, and that's "intimate", she asked me to come next time instead. I understand the reasoning but I can't help to feel a sense of abandonment. I wish she cared enough to include me. I wish I had a close friend. I felt kind of hurt that my oldest friend didn't make me a bridesmaid.
It makes me realize how incredibly alone I am. Sometimes I wish I didn't have Julio in my life than I could feel better about suicide. Because I really don't know how I'm going to keep on living like this.
I just wish something would happen. Good, bad, whatever. I'm tired of living mildly uncomfortable and being able to cope barely. This is a shitty life but I'm able to withstand it. I don't want to be able to just deal anymore. I need tangible pain and direction or a life worth living.