not discharged
2006-04-18, 4:42 p.m.

getting dressed is not for the weak hearted. can we say thunder thighs?
trying on my "sick" pants is fucking with my head. Some of them won't even button anymore. Most of them are just tight. It's sad to see the ones that use to be baggy and require me to constantly pull them up now fit decently. What's even more fucked up, is that from size 0-5 fits me. ugh. I think I'll stick to my pajamas.
I saw BQ this morning. Julio was in his usual place behind the computer with his back to me. I looked over at him but didn't say anything due to discomfort. BQ shuffled me into his office. I felt like shutting down, which is odd. I tried to identify if I was angry or something else was going on. I think I was just depressed and feeling kind of hopeless. I didn't want to be there because I was just tired of trying and talking. It all felt meaningless. After he wrote me a prescription, we departed, and I headed towards the door of the main office. Pat, Julio's wife and office manager, called me over to ask if we were reschedueling tomorrow or when I see Julio. She told me to come over to the computer to check when my next appt was. That's when Julio turned around and said "You're here!"
"Yes." I suddenly got shy and put my folder over my mouth.
"Did you already meet with BQ?"
"Well, thanks for saying hi!"
I kind of paused while I searched for an answer.
"I don't like to draw attention."
"Ya, I know."
Uncomfortable pause. I smile at the desk. He says:
"Your hair is wet."
"Uh. Ya. I showered. I try to do that once in awhile."
He said, playfully, "don't be a smart ass." and smiled.
Pat told me my appt and I turned towards the door again. Then I shouted back,
"Bye Julio!" to make up for my lack of greeting. He laughed.
I dreaded going to St. Josephs. I partially played with the idea of ditching but told myself there's no way I could justify it. Besides, what would I do?
When I got to St. Joes, the girls were outside with Cathy. I went to the bathroom to pee, then walked with them. Inside, Cathy asked me to grab my snack. I quickly said I already ate. Snack and breakfast. She didn't believe me which I would be suprised if she did, but I kept digging myself into the lie. After Dr. Williams came in, Laura came in while I was doing sadoku puzzles. "why'd you refuse snack?"
Damn. I can never fool her. The rest of the girls went down for a smoke break, so we just talked for a bit. We talked about how i'm not sure if she's right that I lost weight, how if it happened just one week then she could leave room for error but it has been a consistent drop, and why I didn't want to eat.
She had me add more to my lunch to makeup for no breakfast or morning snack. gah. I kept trying to get out of eating it - like in the past i'll leave my yogurt in the cup and she won't notice it's still pretty full. Today she kept checking and made me scrape the sides.
Laura, Rita, AND Penny all talked to me about "the plan." They are going to have me, every afternoon, write out my plan from 3:30-Bed. Then I need to journal that evening on what happened and why it didn't happen as planned (if that's the case).
insurance is going to keep approving days, though. Which I'm glad about but at the same time kind of disapointed. I was ramping myself up to get discharged and already threw in the towel. Now I have to try again.
Ughhh. I can feel my thighs expanding from the huge ass lunch. I should've purged it. I don't even feel good about myself that I didn't.