I want love.
2006-04-17, 10:53 p.m.

cool. great. peachy.
julio never replied. and because he and I both have gmail, I saw he was on his mail several times. i feel kind of stalkerish everytime i see he's on, but I'm guessing he can see me on too. which makes me feel odd.
i'm guessing because he did recieve and didn't reply, and he is always good about that, there was intention behind not replying. my guess is he didn't want to interfere or didn't want me to depend on his opinion. i respect and understand that, but GOD DAMNIT JULIO i need you right now. I see him Wednesday, though. Perhaps tomorrow, too, before my appt with BQ. Just briefly in the office, though.
Today was hard. All last week with therapy was hard and today was just as hard. We had Dan and he asked me a lot of tough questions. He asked if I thought I was independent or dependent. I said very dependent on my dad. And now that he's raised me that way...it's kind of a cycle. Because what I need to do for myself is break off from them but they never taught me how to break off from them. And it hurts so much because i still want and hope for a relationship. Plus, when I start to pull away from my dad, that's when he starts coming closer and giving me what I've needed and wanted. It hurts to deny that when I've been trying to get that for so long. I nearly start crying everytime I talk about my parents lately. It's so frustrating. The whole situation is frustrating.
Last week, Rita said I'm being like my dad by avoiding situations and putting my head in the sand. I got really defensive and said that wasn't fair to say. I'm a lot more aware and I don't have as many options as he does. It was hurtful to realize and hear her say.
After Dan, I had my one-on-one with the dietician, Laura. We talked about my weekend and how I'm doing. She asked if I have anymore thoughts about residential and I said I've tried to convince myself and talk myself into it but I'm still reluctant. She said she really thinks this week they're going to present me with either go residential or we'll discharge you. I knew it was coming but I couldn't help but to get upset.
At lunch, she told me I am losing weight still and they'll have to up my meal plan. She added a dairy, protein, and fat. I was shaking so bad when I had to add the extra chicken to my salad, salad dressing, and yogurt. I ate the fruit out of the yogurt, but not the yogurt. I tried to cover the peas, corn, and chicken with lettuce and ate around the dressing.
She didn't notice. I think if I had to eat all of it, I would've purged it. For afternoon snack I had veggies dipped in dressing but barely used any veggies. Definitely not on my meal plan. Veggies are the only thing that's safe to me these days.
I went to a buffet this evening with Danielle. When i got home, I had another binge and purge. I noticed after my first purge at the buffet, my hands were shaking pretty violently. They've been shaking a lot lately. The last time I remember shaking this bad was when I was on stimulants and I haven't taken any diet pills in ages. I don't know what's going on.
I'm really, really happy I'm losing weight. It's sick. I know I should use that as a red flag and work on NOT losing weight but I have so much trouble losing weight I feel like I'm walking on egg shells not to lose this continual drop. I must work harder to make sure it keeps happening.
I see BQ tomorrow and hopefully he'll up my prozac. I've been terribly depressed and lonely lately. Not just for friends, but for a boyfriend. I see my friend and her new husband be touchy feely to eachother and I feel a longing to be touched. At all. Christie and I were laying on her bed and we both curled up. Our bottoms barely touched and just the interaction between us was comforting.
I want love.