bye st. joes.
2006-04-26, 12:15 a.m.

So. Good news and bad news.
Good news first. I got the job at starbucks! I start in two weeks.
Bad news? I'm being discharged from St. Josephs this Friday. Dan came into the room and asked to speak with me. We talked on the far table privately. I feared he was going to bring me into another staffing meeting, but thank god it was just him. Though that didn't make getting the news any easier.
He said to me, "After reviewing your case in staffing, we've decided..."
I swear there was a dramatic pause there. I anticipated "discharge you" in my head, and hoped I was jumping to conclusions.
However, the inevitable came. He said "discharge you this Friday." I asked why, as if I didn't know. He said because I haven't made progress with the bingeing and purging and they all want me to go into residential, and I won't.
I started to cry. Tear up, would be more accurate. He added quickly,
"It's not because we don't like you. We all like you. If it was about how much we liked you we'd keep you here forever." I smiled and said, "Really?" He smiled and nodded. He made a joke about how he'll look for me on the bike path and "darn, I already had my last group with you." He shook my hand and exited. I sat back down with the group and got up again almost immediatly. I took my cell phone outside and called Julio's office, trying to contain myself. I got his voicemail number, dialed it wrong and couldn't remember it, and then just hung up and sat there for awhile. I was sitting against the wall of the room we meet in. I curled up into a ball and tried to think rationally and calm myself down. I went back into the room and as soon as Dr. Williams walked in, I walked out again. I circled the halls and then found this mini hallway attatched to the room that is kind of an island. I sat in the nook of the door for a long time. Crying on and off, closing my eyes, and then hurting myself. I found on a staple in the carpet and started to scratch at my arm, thinking to myself, "stupid stupid fat idiot." When that wasn't sufficient enough, I bit into my arm several times. I can still see the red circle bite marks.
I went back into the room when Laura came in. She asked me if I wanted to process anything and if the group knows what's going on. I told her she could tell them. The way she worded it...cut me to the bone. "Since Melissa isn't making progress, the treatment team has decided to terminate her treatment." I started to cry. She asked me if I wanted to process my feelings. I shook my head.
We did lunch, I threw it up, then went home where I resumed bingeing and purging 2 more times.
Now I feel dead inside. I see Julio tomorrow. And I just want to sleep now. Such a long fucking day.