this is the first day of my life
2006-04-28, 9:07 p.m.

Have you ever cried so much,that your eyes burn everytime you close them, and your eyelids feel swollen?
That you're so emotionally exhausted that your body feels heavy and achey?
This is probably the worse day of my life.
I got the impression that even though I'm leaving St. Joseph's, I could return. Before I left to go home, I asked to talk to Rita.
She told me I couldn't come back there unless I went to residential first. It finally hit me: I'd have to leave the first place I ever felt at home.
I started to cry and felt like I'd never be able to stop. I kept wiping my eyes and nose on my sweatshirt, trying to contain myself, while Rita just starred at me. She said she's never felt this discouraged and helpless with a patient. That sometimes she discharges people and knows they aren't ready, but she doesn't even know how to help me. Then she says, though she knew they weren't going to recover, she really thought I was going to. That broke my heart. It sounded so final. I felt so disapointed in myself. She said I'm so stuck i'm making the people around me stuck. I kept crying and crying, saying "I don't know what to do-ooh" inbetween sobs. She kept suggesting she talk to the case manager about inpatient. I kept saying I don't know, I don't know. When my body and mind were finally exhausted, I whispered, "okay." I sat in the lobby across from the staff room while the phone call was taking place. Every once in awhile I'd hear Rita or the case manager saying something, like, "She needs..." "She has..." "She is bingeing and purging as soon as she leaves here." "We'll need to get lab work on her..." I was curled up in an overstuffed lobby chair, with my knees up into my chest. I was so hot from crying so hard that I had my jacket in my arms as a giant tissue. I kept sobbing and off and on. Just when I thought I'd contain myself, I'd remember what was going on and I'd break down sobbing. I almost was going to suggest letting me check into the psych unit there. I felt wrecked. I couldn't imagine driving home.
After 20 minutes or so, Rita came out and told me that I should show up on Monday. They'll do lab work, and on Tuesday we'll work on getting me assessed at Del Amo. I just nodded, wiping tears away. I apologized for being such a hassel and she said they all saw it coming. I didn't. I really thought I wasn't going to crack.
Now I feel on the brink of crying constantly. I want to call Rita and beg her to give me another chance. I want to keep my job and stay home. I don't want to leave St. josephs. In my extreme hoplessness and internal pain, I feel motivated and ready to tackle this ED. I want to be able to promise to commit to change things.
Rita said no matter where I go right now I'm walking into a shitty situation. That things aren't going to be easy these next few days.
god, was she right.