lost and mad
2006-05-03, 3:13 p.m.

I don't know what to do. I got really mad at Rita today. I told her I don't know what's going on and why everyone thinks I am going IP. She said that she's probably following her heart and the rest of the treatment team is following their head. I pulled her aside and asked her to add on to my treatment team in her private practice and she was a total bitch. She said not unless I go to Del Amo first because she doesn't want to listen to me saying I don't know what to do every week. She said, "I'd shoot my brains out" which made me feel annoying. During group, I got upset at her too. I said nothing I do is enough there because I feel like all my progress is being discounted. She got defensive and started going on about how much they've done to keep me there. I pulled my passive agressive card and said well i'm sorry I put you guys through that and apologizing for ever coming there. She was making me feel guilty like how my dad makes me feel guilty...doing something but then bitching about it. I told her I'd feel better about going to Del Amo if I knew my job was still an option when I got out. She said there will always be jobs. I tried to say how much I had to push myself to get this job, and how big that was for me, and she made me feel dumb. She rolled her eyes and said it's easy to get a job. She was walking back into the room by then and I followed her, almost yelling, well i'm so glad jobs are easy for you to get. Then I left. I was so, so mad. I was thinking about hurting myself and I was kicking the walls in the stairway. I don't know if I want to go back. I told her, trying to be honest during group, that I thought about to stop showing up. Someone suggested that i talk to the person who hired me about putting it off and I got upset. I'm tired of pushing myself. And she said I haven't pushed myself and I've gotten myself there everyday and that's about it. I was pissed. They don't make sense because they try to emphasize my progress then belittle it. I don't know. I'm so fucking lost.