2006-05-04, 8:51 p.m.
I'm so exhausted. I feel like I haven't slept in days. My body is achey and sore. Yesterday I got in a fight with Rita. She was pretty much a bitch to me. I yelled, cried, and stormed out. Today I wasn't sure if I wanted to come back. Against my better judgement, I did. They took my blood for Del Amo in the morning. In the afternoon, we had Rita. The whole session I stayed quiet, angry, and doing sudoku puzzles. Finally about 20 minutes before we had to eat our afternoon snack, Rita turned the group to me. I told her I was angry at her and why. I snapped at her over everything she said and tried to be very honest. After group, Rita was showing me how to bind off my scarf. The rest of the girls left so it was just me and her as I finished off the scarf. Cleaning up, Rita said to me, "I really hope you'll decide to go to Del Amo." During group, she said the only reason she's so hard on me is because she cares about me so deeply. I don't know how, but in that small 15 minute talk after program, I was convinced to go to Del Amo. She talked to Penny, the case manager, and I was set to go tomorrow morning. I asked if I could put it off till Monday so I can take care of some things. They said it's probably okay but be sure I will still be willing after the weekend. I called my insurance company, left a message, called the intake people at Del Amo, and called Starbucks. The manager who hired me won't be back till tomorrow but then I can talk to her about holding my job for a couple weeks.
I'm still not sure if I want to do this. Everything in me is saying NOT to go. To do my job. I've never felt so torn over a decision. I feel like I'll have regrets and guilt either way I go. Rita said neither of them are the wrong decision, they're both good decisions. She also said, though, that none of them is bringing good futures for me. No matter what I choose, there is hard days ahead.