fuck trying.
2006-05-07, 12:55 a.m.

I can't stop crying. I don't know why I am so upset. Maybe it's all the alcohol. I just can't remember the last time I cried so hard.
I went out with April tonight. We started drinking around 9 and I got buzzed pretty fast. Around 11 me and April were pretty drunk. April was worse off than me, though. I was still thinking pretty coherantly but April kept doing crazy things like sitting on this guy Tommy's lap and stuff. In the car, April made a crack about what kind of music he was playing. I said something like "rap is crap", drunken and joking.
We went to Cheesecake Factory while we waited for April's friend to finish promoting at this concert. April told me to order anything I wanted, and not worry about the calories. I told her to get whatever and she suggested the fire roasted artichoke. I agreed. Our food came and the guy, Tommy, got some fried chicken shit. Another girl got fried calamari. April and I shared the artichoke that was covered in some oily sauce. We dug in. Me being drunk, ate without thinking too much about the calories. It was weird, I was concious I shouldn't be eating it but I still was. I felt disgusting, though. I was just scarfing the food down. April was too, so I felt okay about it. But then panic hit me, and like a robot, I walked to the bathroom trying to look sober and not swaying. I went to the bathroom, vomited quickly, and came back. I started to sober up because I purged a good chunk of the alcohol. April was still pretty inebriated. we payed the check, got in the car, and headed off to the rave.
April fell asleep pretty quickly. I tried to close my eyes and relax but I kept thinking how I need to drink more because it's not fun when the only person I know is more drunk than I. Tommy took the vodka and cranberry juice and put it in the front seat because we obviously had enough for awhile.
We drove a bit, while I watched April's friend and Tommy talk. They thought I was asleep. I heard April's friend make some comments about things that bothered her and Tommy, rudely, immaturely, blasted the music and said "lalala i don't care." even though April's friend was saying something pretty meaningful.
We stopped for gas. I watched April to make sure she was still breathing. I got bored, thinking I needed more to drink. I saw April's friend and Tommy walking back to the car but I still leaned over and grabbed the brown paper bag with the vodka.
I saw Tommy pointing to me and saying something angry at April's friend. He opened the back seat car and started to go off at me. He said things like "what the fuck do you think you're doing? I put the alcohol up there for a reason and you think you can be all sneaky and lean over and grab it." For one thing. it was April's. Then he started telling me to get out of the car and how he isn't driving anywhere with me in it. I asked him what the fuck was up his ass because he just flipped out at me. He starts telling April's friend that I've been getting on his nerve ever since he picked us up. I don't know what the fuck I did to him. I told him, trying to contain my tears, that I'm not going anywhere. He told me, rudely, "look, there's a bathroom. Why don't you go throw up your food." I said "FUCK YOU." April's friend pulled him aside and started going off on him. I tried to wake April up because I needed her but she kept shrugging me off and saying "don't worry about it." and closing her eyes. I tried to explain to drunk april how rude he was to me and how upset I was but she was too fucked up to understand. I got out of the car and called my dad. I asked him to pick me up. April's friend called me back a bunch of times, apologized again, and then told me she'd drive me back to my car. I followed her back to the gas station but then Tommy starts going off again. I turned my back partially to pretend I didn't care and partially to not let him see I was crying. I heard him say something about how I'm a "bitch with balls" and shit. I turned around and snapped "What the fuck did I do to you?! What the hell is your fucking problem?!" After we yelled at eachother for a bit, I walked back to the intersection, called back my dad, and told him where I was. I crossed the street and sat behind the mobil station sign and cried. A guy with a big ass Mobil truck asked if I was okay and if I needed a phone. I told him I was fine and my ride was coming. I kept sobbing and sobbing.
April called me shortly after and asked where I was. I told her my dad is coming and she apologized again and remarked how her friend was crying. I told her it wasn't their fault and I got a ride.
My dad came and I tried to explain to him why I was so upset without mentioning the food aspect. I had a hard time containing my tears while I told him the story. He tried to say comforting things like how I shouldn't worry about it. I was relieved he wasn't make a big deal out of it because I didn't feel like talking about it but I felt really embarassed to ask him to pick me up. Especially after he lectured me about going out tonight.
I just kept thinking about how he comfirmed all my insecurities. I felt ugly compared to April and all of her friends. I felt out of place. I felt not good enough, not pretty enough, not cool enough. And the way he just out right rejected me without even knowing me confirmed all my fears of what people must think of me. I just kept thinking how I'm done trying to be social and pushing myself. I'm done trusting people. I'm done seeing the good in people. Instead of hating this tommy guy (which I do) I am more focusing on how much I hate myself. How If I was prettier or didn't act so stupid things wouldn't of turned out like they did. I keep playing the night over in my head trying to figure out what I could've done different. I guess I shouldn't of grabbed the vodka. I know it's more his fault than anything but I can't help feeling like how I feel with my dad. I know it's my dad's fault for being a bad dad, but I feel like if he loved me enough he'd take care of me the way I want him to.
god. i don't know. i'm so drained. i'm so angry. i'm angry at april and i'm angry at tommy and i'm angry at myself. i'm embarassed and i'm depressed and i feel like taking sleeping pills and sleeping for days.