2006-05-11, 9:19 p.m.
Ugh. I've explained to Julio, Cathy from St. Joe's, my dad, my sister, and my friend Christie why I left Del Amo. I don't think I can go through the story again. It sucked. Let's leave it at that.
I'm not sure if my therapist believes me how horrible it was or just thinks I wanted a reason to leave. I emailed him to ask him about that and he didn't respond. He gave me a lot of things to do to keep from pletely sinking...like going to meetings, finding ANOTHER job, getting a sponsor, and working a program. I just don't feel like it will really change things or change things fast enough. I mean, I totally crashed over this weekend and I'm barely recovering. I'm sure those things will keep me from crashing and burning but that's about it. Just maintaining a life...not changing how fucked up I feel.
I have such a bad headache. Today I woke up, stole 20 dollars from my mom, bought food, binged and purged, and felt like hell. After I purged, I was surfing the net and started to get that oh so familiar shakey, spacey feeling. I stuffed some crackers into my mouth and chugged down some water because I'm sure I totally depleated myself of hydration and nutrition. But I felt like I ate too many crackers and I was off again....inhaling a sandwich and multiple apples and more crackers. It tasted even better then the first time around.
I feel fat and lazy and a desparate need to exercise. But my leg is sore from who knows what and my depression is clouding all my thoughts and motives.
I'm bailing as fast as I can.