2006-05-14, 5:00 p.m.
I had a dream about St. Joseph's last night. I dreamt that I was still in the program, but they were talking about sending me somewhere else. On my last day, I got a phone call from an old lady from a drug rehab place out of state. I hung up on her. I kept asking to talk to Rita, Cathy, Laura, or someone in private about my ambivilance and fears. I wanted to suggest to Rita to let me stay inpatient at St. Joseph's, and walk over to the ED program everyday. Except Rita kept saying she was done with me, and she has put too many work hours into me already and wouldn't listen to me. I was doing all of this stuff to draw attention...screaming, crying, and cutting myself with broken glass, and people noticed but didn't check to see if I was okay.
I woke up the same way I have for the past 2 weeks: thinking I was suppose to go to St. Josephs, realizing I'm not there anymore, and dreading the day ahead of me.
I think it's just my paranoia, but Rita would tell us that when she starts dreaming about us patients or can't leave her work at work, she knows it's time to take a vacation. I called her cell phone to ask her what I should do in regards to treatment, and I got a newly recorded message saying she'll be out of town from May 12th to May 26th. I remember before I left, she was saying how many man hours were put into my case: how many hours she talked on the phone with my insurance, the staff talking about it, ect. I know I was stressing them out but now i fear Rita is taking a vacation because of ME. I want to call Rita and ask what I should do..but I'm afraid I already put them out too much as it is. I talked to Cathy after I came home from Del Amo and she was about to go to dinner, so she said she'd try to call me later. I never heard of her. I understand I put them through a lot of crap...I understand they have their own lives...but I wonder if they understand that they are my last hope. They are the people I trust and love and want to help me...I need them to reach out to me because I've felt like they don't want me to reach out to them anymore.
Then, we have mother's day. I asked my dad if he wanted to go on a bike ride and said yes, except he already invited my mom to meet us at the restaraunt. At first I was going to go just because I want the exercise, but I later changed my mind and decided to save myself the frustration. Once both my parents left, I binged. I ate a whole tray of lasagna, half a carton of icecream, 4 pieces of pizza, an instant lunch, and who the hell knows what else. I felt sick. I purged quick. Then passed out on the couch for 3 hours. My head pounded and my body felt like lead. The couch felt so, so nice. I woke up 3 hours later with a worse headache and feeling slightly better. I'm so tired of bingeing and purging my days away. i miss everyone at st. josephs. i hate myself for losing my job. I hate myself for not getting out of this house. Life has lost all meaning. All. I've never felt this hopeless and helpless and lost. I always kept my eye on something to get me through the day. Whether it be weight loss, exercise, therapy, school, or OA meetings. I always had SOME reason to get up. Now I don't have those things anymore or they're not as important to me as they use to be.
I find myself at a new low. I actually consider doing sexual favors for money. I put up an ad. I reply to some ads and try to force myself to be okay with meeting up with these creeps. I delete all the emails when they get creepy and won't stop flooding my inbox asking me to "cum over".
I just want this day to be over. That's what I want everyday so I go to bed early only to have to get up early and wishing I could sleep more.
And on top of all that, I stopped my prozac. Del Amo took it and didn't return it with my stuff. I already bugged Pat at Julio's wife the last THREE times when the pharmacist had some reason they wouldn't fill my prescription. I don't want to ask her to get it for me again. I'm tired of being a burdan.