2006-06-03, 7:41 p.m.
I miss Laura and Rita so, so much. The hole left there hurts to the point of tears everytime i remember what I threw away. i want st. josephs back. i want the love and the support.
i remember one day when i was crying and upset, and i couldn't get the words out, Rita said to me: "You have a room full of people who care about you and you don't know what to do with that, do you?" I didn't. And now I want that room again to take advantage of what I had.
If i just stayed at Del Amo I'd be back there. I know if I were to go somewhere, they'd probably take me back, but my intentions wouldn't be to get better but to have the support again. I'm so, so alone and empty. I see no future and light for myself. I see myself sitting at home a year from now still half-heartidly trying to get a job, seeing julio, and bingeing and purging my head off.
I keep trying to think of a reason to call up Rita. I have none. And I'm angry that she hasn't called me even though I wouldn't expect her to. I just want to explain myself..I imagine they think I didn't even try and I left Del Amo for reasons that aren't true. I know how it looks. I know it looks like I left because i didn't want to go in the first place. it looks like i didn't even try. i don't know how to explain that i did the best i could.
And now i'm losing it. I want more fucking meth just so I can stop feeling again and have energy to get out of bed and atleast be happy that i'm losing weight. i want to not have to worry about if i want to eat or not because i don't even think about food on meth.
i need help. i tried sending out SOS signals to Julio, Rita, Cathy, and every fucking person. I left a desparate message on the case manager's line for st. josephs saying i don't have anyone and i just need some kind of direction. they didn't call back. Penny the case manager just called me and gave me a dietician's number. I feel like they never even cared and are glad to get rid of me.
I know I need to get a job and go to school and that will help fill some of my time and give me a reason to get up but It won't fill that emptiness in me. i need friends and love and purpose. instead i'm stuck in this fucking going no where home and i'm realizing how right rita is. i'm realizing i'm just like my dad and the only way to show them they're fucked up is just to leave and break off from them. but i'm putting my head in the sand (or in my case, the toilet) and ignoring it while each day runs together and i count down the hours till it's time to sleep.
i don't know how else to spell it out without soudning desparate and needy and over-baring.
SOS SOS SOS.