2006-06-01, 5:55 p.m.
I did meth a few days ago. It was lovely, really. It was nice to have so much energy and so little appetite. The come down was awful though - the shakes, no sleep for 3 days, and horrid indescribable pain in my chest. Last night I finally slept after 3 days. It was great, but I woke up feeling sluggish and achey.
Now I'm depressed. I hate that I'm hungry. It was so nice to not even want to binge and purge. On Monday, all I ate was a small frozen yogurt. Tuesday I had two small frozen yogurts. Wednesday I went out to lunch with my dad and had half a small salad and yogurt in the evening. Today I've had yogurt, 2 jolly ranchers, and some jelly bellies. Needless to say I've lost a bit of weight and I'm estatic. I'm afraid if I binge and purge It'll send me back into that cycle and reverse my weight loss. I want to keep going and lose lose lose. I'm so irritable and depressed and I don't know if it's just me or the come down. My dad keeps wanting me to drink some stupid shake that this holistic doctor recomended and it's pissing me off how much he is pushing me to drink it. I don't want it.
Julio wants me to get a job this week. He wants me to email him everyday with my progress. I'm so fucking depressed I don't want to leave the house let alone have to sell myself to someone and act all happy and posistive. I wish someone would just hand me a job.
I want something but I can't put my finger on it. I feel so, so empty.
There is a hole in me.