I'm tired of being consumed by what I consume
2006-05-28, 10:10 p.m.

My life is dictated by food.
Around noon today, my dad wanted to go to my sister's for a BBQ. I wanted to go, but I also wanted to have the privacy to binge and purge and my dad going out is a perfect window. I debated and decided not to go then changed my mind every last minute. When I heard my mom and dad talking about going to the movies that evening, I figured, okay i'll go because I can binge tonight while they're at the movies.
I get home from the BBQ and my dad is leaving in about an hour. Danielle calls and wants go for a walk by the beach. I agreed because I wanted to see her and wanted the exercise. My dad's movie was at 7, and he was leaving at 6:45. Danielle and I left at 6:30. Around 7:30 I'm getting anxious. I wanted to get home ASAP because otherwise I wouldn't have a decent amount of time to prepare and binge and purge. I ask Danielle if we can start heading back even though I knew she wanted to keep going. So did I, but I was ruled by my rituals and time frame. I got home at about 8. I raced to the store, grabbed a bag of cookies and ice cream sandwiches, paid, and drove to the del taco in the same parking lot. Frantically, anxiously, I raced home. I got home at 8:10, made my food, and scarfed.
I told myself I needed to be done by 8:50 because I needed to leave at 9 to get frozen yogurt before it closed. Again, dictation around food.
I was eating at 8:55 when I noticed the clocked and freaked out because a) I was 5 minutes late to go purge and b) I wanted to keep eating. I scarfed my icecream sandwich, purged in record time, and got out of my house by 9:10. Driving to the yogurt store, I was having an inner battle. Please, please don't be closed. I drove not too carefully and worried even when I finally arrived to an open store. Even standing in line I worried they would run out of my flavors or tell me they're not serving anyone anymore. I finally felt relief after I walked out of the shop with my bag of yogurt.
I'm not even happy doing this. When I got home from my walk with Danielle, I didn't even want to binge. So maybe I shouldn't? Ridiculous idea! Never miss a binge opportunity.
I see Laura on Tuesday and I'm so nervous. I'm nervous I gained weight and I'm nervous to get that look about leaving Del Amo.
Lately, i've felt so ugly. I am embarassed to leave the house. i hate my hair, i hate my face, I hate my body. I keep thinking, if I was thin I could get away with this ugly face. My face feels fat and puffy from purging. I keep thinking, if I weighed less, my face would be thinner
I'm so mad at myself for letting myself gain all this weight. I wish I could rewind time and maintain my low weight. God, who am I kidding? I know what's REALLY wrong. Why my bingeing and purging is out of control and why I am so focused on my weight. I miss everyone at St. Josephs so god damn much it kills me inside to think about it. Everytime it comes up in my head I avert my thoughts to food or body weight or anything else to distract myself. I miss them I miss them I miss them. I miss Laura and her jokes and her concern and her motherly actions. I miss Rita and her toughness and her caring and her demanding me to talk and to use the group and the people around me that cared about me. I missed her telling me that despite myself I'm going to recover because now I don't know if that's true and I want it to be true and I don't know what I'll do if it's not true. I miss the snacks and the lunch and I miss hating the group. I took it for granted and I want it back. I miss cathy and how she was so playful and friendly with me. i want to reach out to all of them and beg them to take me back just so i don't crash deep deep down but there is no reason for them to but I want them to care and reach out to me and say whatever it takes it keep you afloat. i want them to call me and check up on me and worry if i'm doing okay. it kills me inside to think that i'm just another patient that came and went and now they have new people to worry about. it kills me that i feel like i'm imposing and bothering cathy everytime i contact her. i'm fucking dying inside. i feel like all my life and support have been cut off and it kills me to know i can never go back again.