frantically alone
2006-06-11, 2:16 p.m.

These past two weeks have been a blur. I've barely left the house and been ignoring my cell phone rings.
I got a call from Rita on Friday and it left me really shook up. Just hearing her voice..sounding kind of distant and not really showing any signs of interest in talking with me..made me unable to get the conversation out of my mind for hours. She recomended a night program that is 3 days a week. She is one of the staff there. I said okay..eager to take anything she offered me..but after I got off the phone with her I felt huge dispointment. I've been such a wreck...and I know that night program won't be enough. I felt like she just offered whatever would be the LEAST burdaning to her; not what's best for me. I called her back a few hours later with a frantic, rambling message. I wasn't sure whether or not to ask for more help or if I was out of line to keep demaning help from her. I rambled on her message saying how i'm falling apart and doing meth and not eating and i know she has professional obligation to me but please please help..but i would understand if i never heard from her. I'm still not sure what I was asking of her and what is right to ask from her. I want her to care so much about me that'll she do anything to help but is that reasonable? I wrote Julio an equally frantic email and haven't heard from her. So I'm embarassed and angry and mad that I haven't heard from either of them.
I have a job interview tomorrow and I'm trying to convince myself to go and tell myself it's what I need right now because I haven't left the house in days and I haven't changed out of these one pair of pajamas in days....but when you're in a rut and no one is pulling you out it's hard to pull yourself out.
I don't know. I don't want to think about what's going on. It's all too painful.