you're always looking for something
2006-06-12, 3:56 p.m.

so depressed.
i feel a heaviness on my chest, a lump in my throat, and tears on the verge of spilling.
I had a job interview today and because I couldn't pull myself together I skipped it. I tried on a zillion different outfits and felt frumpy and ugly in everything. I looked like a fraud or a child dressed up in her mother's clothes. If I wasn't so depressed, I probably could've just faked it and pushed myself to do it but I couldn't get myself out the door. I just felt like crying everytime I looked in the mirror.
I wrote Julio an email 4 or 5 days ago asking if there is anything I could ever do that would cause him to tell me he can't work with me anymore. Like, if I were to get to the point where I was so unreceptive to help that he felt as if there was no point in continuing therapy if I didn't want his help. He didn't reply. He also didn't reply to my other email where I was losing my mind over Rita's phone call. i am wondering what his exusce is going to be on Wednesday when I have an appt with him. I'm rather angry at him and am planning on letting him know that. I'm paranoid he didn't respond to the first email because it is possible he would end our therapy. That would probably be the thing that would send me over the edge. If I didn't have him, I'm sure I wouldn't think twice about suicide.
I used the last of the meth today. It didn't do shit yesterday or today. Saturday I felt the familiar rush and ability to sit and do something for hours without noticing time passing. Today and yesterday I binged...a clear sign it wasn't enough. I emailed the guy and asked him how much he charges but have recieved no response.
No one is fucking responding. Loneliness is eating me alive.
"as you try to find some source of light
try to name one thing you like
you used to have such a longer list
and light you never had to look for it
but now it's so easy-- it's so easy to
it's so easy-- it's so easy to
second guess everything you do