julio isn't god
2006-06-14, 7:22 p.m.

I emailed the meth guy two evenings ago and I haven't heard back from him. I even text messaged him. I am getting kind of panicky because I think he's avoiding me and I NEED his shit. Now. Now. Now. Rawr. How can he get me hooked them leave me hanging?
I saw Julio this morning. I walked in preparing to chew him out for ignoring me desperate psycho email and I chickened out right away. I did tell him everything, though. That there is this void me and I want something but I don't know what. I told him about Rita's call, meth x 2, and sleeping with meth guy. After I explained how I didn't want to sleep with him but I wanted the meth, there was an uncomofrtable silence as I heard what I said. I broke the silence by quietly, slowly, saying, "ya. i'm basically lower than dirt." He didn't disagree with me but he said I'm doing degrading things so I can beat up on myself.
He thinks I should go to miramar ONLY if marks of improvement won't only be on how much i'm bingeing but if I'm working on the overall issues. I called the dietician today and worked on getting her covered for individual counseling but I don't think i'm going to talk to Rita unless she calls me.
At the end of our appt I started to cry because I realized the void in me still existed and I was counting on Julio to help. I tried to explain to him I need some reason to get up in the morning...and I put a lot of expectation on it. If it's an appt with him, and I leave feeling empty, then I don't know what to do because I was only thinking up to the appt. He asked me, "Do you still feel empty?" I said "yes" and he said "So I didn't fix you?" and I said "no". We were silent as I tried to think of something to say. All he could say was "I'm sorry you're feeling so bad." I wanted to cry...and I did as soon as I got into my car. I am expecting the world out of people. Julio says he won't be my dad and put conditions on our relationship...he feels I need a place I can go to and say "I fucked up" without worrying he'll stop seeing me. He did say, however, if i'm hurting myself or putting my self in danger, he will take other steps... like when I called him because I ODed on ephedra... and he told me he would call the police if I didn't get my dad on the phone. I wonder why meth use, bingeing and purging, and other fun self destructive things I am doing haven't made him bat an eye.