lower than dirt
2006-06-18, 1:15 a.m.

I'm lower than shit.
I've been so depressed these past few days. I just cry and cry about how pointless life is.
Yesterday I was going to bed I noticed my mom sitting by the desk, in the dark, for nearly an hour. I finally snapped "What the fuck are you doing?" because she was just SITTING there doing nothing. She said in the meekest, most child like voice i've ever heard her use: "sitting." I wanted to cry. God, I'm worse than her. I'm this raging bitch and she replies so innocently. I have to remind myself...she's nuts. She can't help it. Don't bring yourself down to her level. But I'm so angry at her I don't want to be anyithng but a raging bitch to her...she deserves nothing else.
Meanwhile, I'm desparate for meth. Mr meth dealer has stopped replying to my annoying emails and constant phone calls. cool. great. I did find someone today though. It took all of 2 hours to get everything through. I got the tiniest bag of meth for 40 bucks. I tapped out my brother, dad, mom, my couch, my brother's room (shh) and everything inbetween. I spent every last dime on it. Then I remembered tomorrow is Father's day and I got my dad zip zero nada. Ya, I'm a piece of shit. I spent my father's day money on meth. I smoked some with the guy who was the middle man...and I feel so much better. I'm not going to lie..I don't regret it. I'm glad I did it despite spending everyones money. I feel a million times better and calmer and more peaceful and I still have the stuff I bought. i'm going to have to make it last.
Laura the dietician called me back on Friday. I have an appointment with her on Tuesday. I'm ridiculously happy and anxious about it. I want to lose weight before I see her to say "See? Look! Look how bad I'm doing."
i make myself sick. that's how pathetic i am.