2006-06-20, 7:53 p.m.

mother fucker.
i get home to an angry father. the guy who was my meth hook up IMed me because i offered him gas (my dad's gas card) for meth. he said he thinks he can work it out and basically said way too much in the IM. I left AIM on and my dad saw it while using the computer. he took my gas card which pisses me off because if he didn't see it, i'm sure i could've got away with it. it also pisses me off because i used that to get cigarettes and i'm out and was going to get some on the way home but decided to wait.
i tried to tell my dad i never did it but he didn't believe me because of the card bills. that's what i get for using it to buy binge food and cigarettes. he says he's been suspecting it all along and i admitted to the cigarettes and food but he didn't care.
now i'm freaking out. i'm angry and embarassed and clueless how the hell i'm going to afford my new habit.
i saw laura the dietician right before all this went down. it was a short appointment because that's all i could afford (half hour = 70 dollars) but we went over in time. she asked if ive had any b/p free days and i said yes..but not under good circumstances. she thought i meant diet pills again, but i said no, street drugs. she asked which and i mumbled, embarassed, "meth." she was suprised and concerned. we spent the rest of the time talking about it. she wanted to know how much, when, and what drove me to it. she wanted to know who else knew and i told her only Julio. she wants me to tell more people so it's not some secret life. she said probably 5 times that this will just get worse, she's never seen anyone function on this drug, and i need to go residential.
she gave me a hug afterwards and i wanted to cry because it felt so nice to have human interaction and to be able to talk to someone so freely. she gave me an assigment to tell 4 people - 2 people from my former church, my brother, and my friend christie. i called 2 people from church and i'm meeting with them tomorrow.
i want to see laura again but the possibility of my dad paying for another session is slim. especially after the gas card incident. i'm already thinking of schemes to get money that aren't exactly the greatest things for myself.
i don't know if i'm more upset that being able to get meth tonight fell through or that my dad thinks i was doing something devious behind his back (which i was.)