the ramblings of my mind
2006-07-25, 9:46 p.m.

i'm a whore.
my phone rings and the name displays "Josh". I can't for the life of me figure out who he is. I hope by talking to him for a second it will click but as far as I know he could be three different people.
This is what my life has been reduced to. My cell phone contact list has a bunch of guys I met once and I don't know Josh from Kevin from Dan from Don. Julio keeps telling me nothing is free and I've yet to learn that lesson. A guy promised to smoke me out because I found him a connection. Today I met up with him and we nearly slept together. He had to be out of his house before 3 for work and we didn't realize the time till 3:15. He freaked out and said he'd call me tomorrow. I will only go back there if he'll share his shit again. I'm a drug whore...but I never mean to be. All of the people I've slept with I've gone in with best intentions. I innocently and nievely think we'll just hang out. As that doesn't end up being true more and more I prepare myself...I tell myself "just say no. no. no." i try to remind myself how much i'll regret it. After a drug binge, I picked apart my body pretty bad. I was not attractive naked. I made a joke to Julio how atleast I won't take my shirt off for anyone. I really meant it, too, I was way too embarassed. That was short lived and now I'm ashamed of what i've done and ashamed of what they must think of me.
The guy I smoked with today asked me if he thinks i'm addicted, with doubt in his voice. He even phrased the question as "But you're not addicted, right?" What am I suppose to say? Ya, I am. I'm going downhill fast and I wish you'd load that pipe faster because i'm about ready to just shove your stash down my throat. no..of course I couldn't say that. Instead I laugh and say I haven't been doing it for long and I could stop. He thought because I hadn't done it for a week (well, i told him a week it was more like 4-5 days) that means i'm normal...not an addict. I just didn't do it for 4-5 days because I couldn't get it.
Rustons away in boston to see his family. It's true what they say...abcense makes the heart grow fonder. I miss him a lot. I wonder if he misses me.
I see Julio tomorrow morning. I'm sure I won't sleep before then. I may be a little wired still. I'll have to be careful...I don't want him to think i'm going to the appts loaded. But I won't lie about it. I don't know what I'd do without him.
Lately I've been thinking of Rita, Laura, and Cathy. Everytime they pop into my head an ache and longing grows inside of me and i try to forget it. When I'm most vulnerable, I get close to calling one of them up. I miss them but am really hurt that they haven't made an effort to help or see how i'm doing since I got out of treatment. I guess I just want validation and love and people to take care of me.
While I still have energy and motivation, I'm going to look for jobs and do laundry.