2006-07-31, 2:37 a.m.
I had a good good amazing day. Good days are hard to come by so I want to pull this day into me and hold it tight. Never letting go forever and ever amen.
I haven't talked about my ED in awhile so I'm going to force myself to write about it and then will go on to my great day.
I have been ignoring my ED. I don't know how I am ignoring something that use to consume me but the ED isn't as important anymore. Basically, I feel like I don't need it anymore but I don't know how to re-wire my habits because I've convinced myself that they all have a purpose. There are so many lies and misconceptions I've programmed myself to believe and it's hard for me to do something that feels so fundemently wrong. I've tried to convince myself that hunger is good and being full is bad. There are certain foods that I've told myself I can't digest and if I do i'm an absolute failure. So while I am ignoring my ED, I am still practicing it. I binge when I'm not on meth and purge lazily. I eat when I'm hungry but it can only be my safe foods. I'm getting soft and squishy and it's clear I have gained weight. I estimate I'm around 100-105. I loathe my body but am not doing anything about it. It's hard for me to accept my body because 1. I always compare myself to how thin I use to be and 2. i've convinced myself that this weight is revolting and a red flag to get my butt into gear. I'm tired of caring about what how much i've consumed, worrying that i didn't purge everything, and fighting hunger. Having an ED is mentally draining.
But just because I've replaced my ED with meth doesn't make things less exhausting. Instead of wondering how I will get binge food, what I will eat, and how much I weigh I'm being exhausted by worrying about how I will get more meth, how I will get the money, where will I drive, who will I ask, and what the fuck I'm doing to my life. The only reason I haven't gotten myself into serious trouble with meth yet is because I can't. I can't afford to have as much as I want and when I do have money to buy it, I can't find a source. While i feel like i'm going nuts when I want it and can't have it, it keeps me from doing it constantly which is probably a good thing.
Now on to good things. I woke up at 1 in the afternoon. I probably needed the sleep. Joe text messaged me about going out. yesterday we went to lunch in Newport and walked around the beach. It was really, really nice. We didn't have sex which makes me feel better because usually i worry that once we do it, that's all he'll want to do. Today we decided to knock off some things on my "To-Do Before I Die" list. 51 is go to a strip club and 52 is go to a gay bar. We planned on killing two birds with one stone and go to a gay strip club but ended up at a gay bar/ restaurant/ club type thing. I think we accidently snuck in because when we left, there were guys carding at the door. And because they usually card, Joe ordered me drinks and they didn't card me. He told this really easy-going(and FINE) bartender it was my 21st birthday and to make me something special. I had 2 twelve dollar drinks...his generiousity blew me away. Joe took a picture of me kissing the bartender on the lips and another of the bartender feeding me a cherry. I can't wait to see them. We walked around, touched eachother, and looked at the people. We chatted with a few and wanted to find some guys or gals for him to take pictures of me with but we were both too shy to ask. The drunker I got the more touchy-feely I got. I think the same happened for him. We found this area where you go up a couple stairs and it was a walled off room with couches. We sat down and started to makeout. The walls were high enough where people couldnt' see us (or weren't looking..who knows) but low enough where we still saw the lights, music, and heads of people. There was another couple in that area making out but it was pretty empty and secluded. He pulled me up on his lap and i straddled him, facing him. We made out...me pretty wasted and him fairly enebriated. We got touchy but tried not to get kicked out...though it was kind of hot to be doing that in public where there was a chance for someoen to see us. He drove me home, kissed me goodbye, and asked if he could call me tomorrow.
What I like about hanging out with him is I'm not thinking about when I can leave and how I could get home. I am relaxed and having fun though still a little shy and insecure..(until you get some alcohol in me).I've been having a lot of fun with Joe and I don't want it to end.
I got home when the gay dealer I kicked out a couple weeks ago text messaged me. He asked me if I was still looking for a hook up. I said yes and he asked to meet me somewhere. Being tipsy, I asked him to pick me up. We got some meth and he dropped me off back at home. It was a lot smoother and easier than it has been in the past and then i anticipated.
Ruston is still visiting family. I pick him up from the airport on tuesday. and while i missed him at first, i don't really too much anymore. But at the same time, I want him to miss me and like me and want to see me. But today is good. I like feeling happy. I like good days. I like friends.