2006-08-01, 9:01 p.m.
I was almost a little sad to part with Joe's half of the meth.
I like Joe, I really really do, but the drugs seem to take priority when i'm desparate. I like having my own stash at my expense. I like not feeling like I have to smoke as much as possible when i can get it because who knows when i'll get it again. But having some at my dispense makes me obsessive. I think about doing it all the time and basically keep trying to wait. The past couple days, I haven't smoked a lot but frequently. I get up and hide in the bathroom, take a couple hits, come out.
I picked up Ruston from the airport today. I didn't miss him after i met Joe. He acted the usual way...confusing. When I dropped him off I didn't know if he wanted me to stay or go. I opted to go in for a bit but after about 30 mins i said I was going to take off. Then he got all lovey. He kissed me good bye, hugged me, and talked sweetly. I felt annoyed and confused but tried to act polite. he said maybe he'll call me later tonight. He confuses me. Joe is more straight foward and I have more fun with him. Ruston has social anxiety so we never go out which is cool sometimes to hang but i've had so much fun going out with joe for like, 5 days in a row.
I see Julio tomorrow. I've slept 8 hours in 2 nights and doubt i will sleep tonight. Everytime I go to him since i've started this i feel like dirt and embarassed. because my mind doesn't work like it use to and it's obvious and i try to cover it up. i've been so numbed by this over the past week i don't know what i'm feeling. i guess he'll help me get back on earth and stop disassociating.