2006-08-12, 5:15 p.m.
This is pathetic. Without Joe, I stay home bingeing and purging, smoking, and picking at my skin. I'm lonely and depressed and keep smoking hoping it will make me feel better. I don't even want to spend one evening with myself anymore because then I have a reality check and I need to keep fooling myself into believing that i'm not eating disordered or concerned with my weight and my meth use is an occasional treat.
Since I saw Julio, I've felt different with Joe. I feel uneasy or like something is wrong and I can't pinpoint what the cause is. I want everything to be great. I want this to be my answer to all my problems and I can't afford for it to not work out because I'm depending on it. I'm depending on him which is unfair because he has a life and shouldn't feel responsible for me. But I've been waiting for someone to rescue me and he's more than I could ever hope for...so I'm clinging tight.
If I'm honest with me, i feel insecure and dumb and childish and foolish to him. Sometimes I believe what he says to me and I feel comforted and warm other times I feel like i'm grasping at it...reaching out for it...and trying to keep a grip with one finger. I know he cares about me and I know he likes me as a person and not an object, but it hurts that we have to tip toe around and can't say this or that. i think both of us feel awkward over the situation because we do dig eachother but were also smart and know that something is kind of fucked up here. I want to be okay with it...I really do. And sometimes I am and i only worry that he's not okay with it but that's because i'm with him then and have his attention. but when i'm home or when he talks to people in his other world i feel odd. i feel sad and small and young and nieve.
I don't understand him and his semi-girlfriend's relationship. I've tried to ask here and there but don't want to cross boundries or push it. to everyone else, are they dating? do they sleep together? if they're not dating, what happened? I fear they are dating and he's just using me because she is busy right now and he needs someone for a bit.
And for the second night in a row i've smoked too much and am still depressed. now i have to sit with these feelings because i can't sleep and i'm going to crawl out of my skin. these are the times i'm vulnerable and careless and seek out something to do and make me feel better or just distract me. that's usually some sketchy CL guy who wants to fuck.
i don't know what else to do so i'm going to go upstairs and smoke more.