a hole inside of me.
2006-08-10, 12:41 a.m.

my mom is getting obviously worse. i'm glad i haven't been around lately to witness it but the few hours i am at home now a days...it's quite painful to watch. Julio said this is a progressive disease which I understood..hell sometimes I even wished it would progress faster..but now that is...god. I don't see myself ever being able to full cope and deal with it. I've made leaps and bounds with understanding and comprehending her...and not blaming it on me...but it still hurts like i was 10. i'm still that 10 yr old girl who is waiting outside of her school, and her mom forgot to pick her up today. there is confusion (how can she forget me?) anger (Why does she keep doing this to me?) and empty pain (i just want a mother.) I think I want to talk about her more in therapy. Last week when we did talk about her a lot and my past, i felt some of the burdan lifted.
Joe and I have known eachother for 2 weeks now. We've spent everyday but one of those two weeks together. And each day I feel like I'm learning more and taking more with me. It's hard and it hurts that our age difference and what would people think puts a weight on things. It's hard to understand and accept that this may be a short term thing. And it's hard to understand his semi girlfriends place in all of this and whether or not i should bring it up. and while i'm trying to enjoy each day with him, i can't help to feel like i'm just waiting to be cast aside.