2006-08-08, 8:07 p.m.
yesterday with joe was great. In the evening we went to the beach near me. His perspective on things is so amazing. We faced the ocean with our bodies close together and he says to me, "here we are. standing at the edge of the world. most people in the world with give an arm and a leg to live here and see this." it's so refreshing. i've lived here all my life and he was able to renew the beauty i took for granted.
Yesterday and today I was very touchy feely with him. I really, really wanted to get with him. I was just so attracted and adore him so much.But at the same time I was afraid to express that. I didn't want to make him feel weird or like he had to act a certain way.
I saw Julio and BQ today. Bq rained on my parade by saying if my meth use is a road to hell. With Joe, I don't think about the meth and how it's still a problem. I didn't like that reality check.
The first half hour of my session with Julio was about Joe. Julio emphasized that he didn't want me to make this time about JOE but about the experience of it all. I talked to Julio about the things with Joe that made me kind of unsure. I was hesistant to bring them up because i don't even want to focus on that. I left the appointment feeling panic-y and anxious and uneasy. I felt like stuff was left unresolved. I saw Joe in the afternoon. I felt kind of sad and distracted at first. I still really, really wanted him...and he satisfied that desire. After, he said things like how beautiful I was and how i'm a treasure that anyone would be lucky to have. I started to cry. Maybe because I was already emotional from the morning or maybe because i'm so comfortable with him. I told him when he says that it makes me want to cry because no one has ever told me that. He held me as the tears came. In the car, he told me that love is a big big word but he cares for me that much - that he really really loves me. i think my heart melted. I just smiled because I have a hard time expressing myself like that. Julio and him both talked about how they don't want me to make it about him but rather focus on me. I know he cares about me but I don't think he sees me as a relationship possibility. They both also talked about not making him my drug and becoming dependent on him. I know Joe doesn't want that for me and I'm trying not to do that. But it's hard because I've been wanting something like this for so long. I don't want to let go.