2006-08-06, 6:38 p.m.
I'm on a natural high. I forgot what real happiness felt like.
I don't know what I did to deserve friendship with Joe but this past week or so has been unreal. I've never met anyone like him in my life.
He brings me to do things I've always wanted to do. He is the exact person I've wanted to be friends with...spontaneous, laid back, posistive yet realistic, and has the fucking hugest heart. With him, I'm not afraid he's trying to take advantage of me or paranoid of his motives. He looks me straight in the eye and tells me while he likes our evenings, he loves the time we spend during the day. My insecurity shines through but he never gets annoyed or frsutrated with my attitude or what I say about me. Instead he tells me how it is and challenges my negative thinking. I've spent so long thinking that life is pointless and hard and miserable and he is showing me differently.
I'm so blown away why he'd spend so much time and money and effort on me. He says I'm smart and have endless possibilities and I guess he wants to help get me there. He tells me how if I hang around losers like i have in the past it'll just drag me down and if anything happened to me, he'd be crushed. All in all, he is the first person in a long time that has made me feel like i'm worth something. Last night Ruston wanted me to come over and I had no desire to. Ruston is opposite of joe - he confuses me and makes me feel shitty and is negative. Talking to Ruston made me look foward to seeing Joe more.
This morning Joe picked me up around 7 AM. He texted me when he was near and I was so so tired. The only reason I was able to get out of bed without bitching and moaning was because i knew with Joe, good things will come. I thought we were going to go to the beach and chill, but we continued to drive past my local beach. Around 8:30 or so, we ended up in Los Angelos. I guess most people would view the area with disgust or fear but I was so, so excited. I've never been there and there was so much to see and experience. We got breakfast of eggs and ham, beans and rice. After Joe ordered, he went to use the restroom and I talked to the counter guy for a bit. I felt so happy all of a sudden: he was so friendly, this was all so new, and I was stoked to see what the day would bring. Joe and I sat down and ate and chatted. I fought the fears and negative thinking I get whenever I eat and enjoyed myself. I was hungry and the food tasted good. Though I got little sleep the night before, my excitement gave me energy.
We hit the streets as vendors opened. The next few hours was shopping. It had the same look as Tijuana: open vendors real close together and things discounted. I tried to take it all in and look around. Whenever Joe asked if I was interested, I shyed away. I felt bad about how much he was spending yet didn't want to act like I didn't like the things or wasn't having a good time. Joe helped me pick out things that were out of my shell and usual attire and with his approval, I found things I liked that wasn't things I'd usually wear. After that shopping trip, I thought we were going to be done but our day was just beginning. We went down to Venice Beach after an adventure of trying to find a parking spot. Venice Beach absolutely thrilled me. The people there were people I related to and felt a connection to. They were selling art work, henna tattoos, and any other crafts that reflected their talents. The stores across the way were filled with so many things I loved. The clothing stores had the clothing I've had to hunt around for. Seeing people out there and being so down to earth and sharing their talents really inspired me. I wanted to be a part of this community and wanted to find a hobby I could be passionate about like them. The street performers were hilarious and I begin to see what brings in money: product, display, and your attitude. If you're dancing to music and inviting people in, people will be more likely to buy from you. Cold and uninterested makes you want to leave. One of the coolest parts was this drum circle on the beach. People would bring their drums or various instruments and in a giant circle, just jam. People around them were sitting and watching or dancing. Joe told me how it is at night and it made me really want to come back. They looked so happy and carefree and content. Joe was amazing the whole time. He was sweet and held my hand. He told me he wants to be my best friend and I was so thrilled to hear him say that. While I know were different and have a big age gap, i still want him to want me in that way. He just fills me with joy and desire. I'm oddly comfortable reaching for him or rubbing his back. And you know? The whole time I'm with him I'm not scared. I'm not worried about things in my life or worrying about how he views me or how I should act. It's been so long that I've been with someone I don't have to be fake with I'm almost confusing myself.
The other night I was meeting up with joe in this shopping center. I was about 50 feet from him when a lady ran a red and hit my car. It's not major damage, but enough where it will be a pain in the ass. Joe was so so posistive and helpful. Him telling me everything is going to be okay and that i'm in control made me want to cry. I nearly did cry when our night was coming to an end and he was reassuring me of his intentions and motives. He said something simple yet non-specific...something like "you're going to be okay. things are going to be okay." and i nearly lost it. That's what I've needed to hear for so fucking long and his faith in me is incredible.
While driving home from Venice Beach, I fell asleep in the car safe and content. Some time later I woke up feeling different. There was a certain panic in me knowing I was going home and I have things to do and worry about and life isn't going to be good anymore when I'm not out of my house. And you know what? I talked to Joe about it. I fucking TALKED about it. I came home on a natural high. My dad was mr. negative and i threw my posistive ideas back at him without letting me affect him.
I still feel anxious and a bit overwhelmed...especialy when school is mentioned or my car or a job but instead of thinking i'm going to never get out of this hole, there is a new security and outlook on things.
But even with that security I worry about losing him. That he'll finally realize I'm not worth the trouble or will find something else - because he is content and happy and doesn't need my as much as i need him - and that's really not fair to him. I can't rely on him and put that obligation on him. He tells me if he were to fall into a manhole, i need to continue on and remember what he tells me. While I can't figure out what he's doing with me, I feel so lucky and blessed right now.